The Mommy Curse

If I had known how much guilt is envolved with being a mom I would have never reproached my mom for anything. I would have known she had already beaten herself up for every single misstep in raising me.

Every night, when I go to sleep I review my day and give myself a grade. I don't know when I started doing this. Maybe I did it from the beginning. But I've noticed that I'm just like those teachers I hated who would never give students an A+ no matter what.

No matter how good a day I create for my children
I seem to always find fault with my parenting. 

It can be anything; having missed naps, not cooking enough fresh meals, having spent too much time in the kitchen instead of playing with the kids, having uttered too many "no's," having put them to bed late, not having read more than two books, and on bad days (mine or theirs), having yelled at them or threatened them with a spanking.

That could be me, lying sleepless, judging myself
while my husband rests peacefully. 

The thing is, I think I'm a really good mom. I love my children to death, and having worked so hard to become a mom, I protect them and cherish them. I love being a stay-at-home-mom and no amount of money could pull me away from my position. My children are happy, loving, intelligent, polite, kind and healthy. They are the kind of kids who sing while they play.

So why am I so hard on myself? Why do I focus on my mistakes instead of the things I do right as a mom? Why do I beat myself up every night? The guilt does me no good and it does my kids no good. And the guilt about feeling guilty is even more useless.

What I recently learned is that I'm not the only mom who does this. In fact, it seems this condition of self-inflicting flagellation is very common amongst moms. More than two friends have recently shared with me stories of self-grading and self-flogging to the point of tears. I wonder if it's an innate action that somehow forces us to scrutinize everything we do in order to be better parents and keep our children safe, or if it's some sort of mommy curse.

Either way, what I realized as I listened to one of my friends share a self-grading episode with me, is that if we are this harsh with ourselves, when we're really good moms, we will be just as harsh on our children, making them feel the same guilt and self-hate that we bring on ourselves. Listening to her, there was no judgement on my part. It was actually like watching myself in an out-of-body experience and it could've been me telling that exact story. But watching from the outside, what I wanted to say most was "Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself." If we are able to do that then we will be able to be kind and compassionate with our children. If we are able to overlook our mistakes and focus on the 98% good instead of the 2% bad or just "not good enough," we will always be able to do the same with our children.

When my children do something wrong I don't say "You get an 'F'!" I say, "You are learning and mistakes are part of the process." Yelling "You get an F!" would not help them grow or become good people, it would probably have an opposite effect stifling them and killing their spirits. And just like there is no manual titled "How To Become A Human Being And Learn Everything You Need To Know," there isn't a manual titled "How To Be The Perfect Parent For Camila And Mateo." So at the end of the day I can't review the events and cross and circle everything with a red pen, lest I stifle myself with guilt and kill my spirit. Nor do I want my children to grow up being so hard on themselves... or on me. Compassion begets compassion.

What I'll do the next time I start berating myself for not
doing every single thing perfectly every day. 

Must-Have Booster Seat

New moms often ask "what are the things I really need for my baby?" One easy answer for me is "the Fisher-Price portable booster seat."

When my daughter was six months old and started eating solids, she was a tiny little thing weighing about fifteen pounds. Her high chair practically swallowed her up and her chin barely made it over the tray. We tried pillows but they slid out from under her and the seat belt was too big to hold her in the center of the seat. 

So we sold the high chair and bought her the Fisher-Price Healthy Care Deluxe Booster Seat

What I love about this booster seat : 

* It's the perfect width to keep baby from sliding from side to side. 

* It has a removable tray for easy washing, as well as a tray cover to keep it clean during travel. 

* It snaps on and off easily. 

* It has adjustable heights so you can lower it as your baby grows. 

* The two exterior seat belts keep it safely in place on the chair. 

* The back folds down so you can carry it with ease. (We used to take this seat with us to restaurants when our kids were babies and I've seen other parents walk into restaurants with the same seat). 

* Once your child is tall enough to sit at the dining table you can remove the tray and continue using the seat. 

Camila and Mateo, now four and three-years-old respectively, still use their booster seats at home. Besides their cribs, I can't think of any other baby product we've used for four years -- it's a definite must-have! 

Product link: http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2002&e=product&pid=27475&ncat=thumbnail&pcat=bgh

It's Rough Being a Boy

When I was little I wanted to be a boy. Well, not really. I just hated wearing a skirts and dresses and figured if I were a boy I could wear pants every day, even to my private school, parties and church. I was a tomboy and to me it seemed like being a boy would be so much cooler, more exciting and easier. Even as an adult, well past my tomboy stage, I thought men had it easier than women. Clearly, they have more powerful positions, get paid better than women for the same job, and can generally discard being sexually assaulted from their list of things to worry about. But now, as a mom to a little boy, I realize being a boy is really rough. 


My children are only eleven months apart, so it's easy for me to compare the way they are perceived and treated by other people. Both of my children are sweet, kind and loving. They both love babies and are drawn to them. But since the beginning, when Mateo was just one-year-old and Camila two, I saw the different reactions from people. When my daughter approached a baby the mothers would smile and welcome her saying things like "You like the baby? Say hi baby... Your daughter is so sweet!" Even when she would accidentally tumble over the baby or lose her balance and push the baby's head let's say, the mothers would smile and say "It's okay." But when my son would approach, sometimes the exact same baby, the mother would warn, "Be careful with the baby. Be gentle," and usually lift the baby out of Mateo's reach. I saw this happen again and again and each time I saw confusion and sadness in my little boy's face. 


I teach my children to be kind and gentle with those younger than them. I teach them to touch a baby's foot instead of the hand or the face, and to protect smaller children who might need help. When my daughter squeezes a baby's foot with love and excitement the parents say nothing and smile, or they might encourage her to touch the baby's head. When my son does the same the warnings come "Not too hard. Be careful." I see the unease in the parent's face and my son does too, often backing away. At parks where he might approach another child to hug them, hold their hand or help them, he hears "No pushing! Be nice!" 


On the rare occasion when my daughter pushes someone the other child's parents quickly let it go saying "It's okay." When my son pushes someone it's assumed he is starting trouble and for no good reason. Just this past week we attended a gathering with many moms and children. A woman approached me to say my son was "Hitting all the boys" and a second woman added that he was "not letting any of them play." I walked over to find him crammed into the corner of a small play house, surrounded by four boys taller and probably older than him, about to cry. My daughter was outside. I asked what was going on and with tears in his eyes he said "I don't know." "They're hitting him and pushing him mom," my daughter explained. "I hit them so they would leave him alone but they won't stop." After some questioning from me, the boys admitted things had been as my daughter had said. I expressed my pride in my daughter for defending her brother (it's the first time I know of her hitting someone), and helped my son get out of the play house. I thought it interesting that my son was hit and pushed and my daughter did some hitting, but it was my son who was labeled the aggressor.


The fact is, my son is more aggressive than my daughter. He has hit other children and when he gets mad he really gets mad. But I can't recall one single time when he was being aggressive before a mother or father treated him in a defensive way, rejecting his friendly approach towards their child. 


In their book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, the authors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, talk about how boys' emotional lives are suppressed. The book focuses on school-aged and teen-aged boys, but I see now that the process begins in infancy. I don't think my son's experience is unique and it saddens me to see that boys, from the beginning, are treated with suspicion and even disdain. We complain that men don't express emotion, that they're not nurturing like women, but now I see that as a society, we turn that switch off in them early. My son is now three-years-old and I see him approach babies with hesitation now, watching the parent's face and often briefly touching a foot or a leg before turning away quickly. I know he still loves them because he admires them from a distance and says "Mommy, look at that baby. He's so beautiful. He's so little mommy. I want to carry that baby." 


I believe we're failing boys in this way. Not allowing them to develop into their full human potential. How can we expect them to be loving fathers and husbands? My friend's son was excluded from a class project and reprimanded for writing a story about a superhero who used fire to save others. The story (and thus the boy) was deemed "too violent" by his first-grade teacher. When I heard what happened I recognized it as the same knee-jerk reaction my son gets when he has the intention of being kind but adults focus on the fact that he is a boy and assume the worst. 


In his book Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain, David Eagleman explains that 98.4 percent of those on death row are male and writes "It seems clear enough that the carriers (of the Y chromosome) are strongly predisposed toward a different type of behavior..." But having witnessed events like the ones I've shared with you, on so many occasions, I wonder if it's not the genes that predispose men to violence, as much as the way males are treated and presumed guilty from such an early age. 


Perhaps if we change the way we view boys, simply by giving them the benefit of the doubt. If we force ourselves to focus on their kind intentions; wanting to caress a baby, to hug or help another child, to be a superhero who saves others, rather than on our preconceived notion of what and who boys are, we will end the self-fulfilling prophecy of violent men who cannot nurture. 

Dr. Seuss Habla Español!

It wasn't until I became a mom that I began to read Dr. Seuss' books. The first movie my husband and I took my daughter to see was "Horton Hears A Who!", and I instantly fell in love with the way Dr. Seuss' stories are able to convey a strong message to people of all ages. So I was thrilled to find his work translated to Spanish!


I love "Huevos verdes con jamon" (Green Eggs and Ham), because it helps me remind my children that it's important to try new foods at least once. Often, when they turn away from a new food I recite a few lines from the book. They laugh and usually try at least one bite.









"Yoruga la tortuga y otros cuentos" (Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories), is my favorite Dr. Seuss book. So many wonderful lessons including the perils of being power-hungry and the importance of accepting our bodies as they are.

"Oh, cuan lejos llegaras" (Oh, the Places You'll Go!), is a beautiful book that any parent might have written, or would like to write for their child. It's a story about life that I know I will continue reading to my children for many years to come and pack it up in their suitcase when they move away to college.


My kids love these books and I love that they are available for parents who are raising their children with the Spanish language!

I must say I have read a few other translated Dr. Seuss books and found the translations to be subpar, so I always borrow his books from the library before buying them. 

My Children Don't Speak English

One of my commitments to my children is to pass our language on to them. Being fluent in Spanish is one of the most important educational goals I have for them.

My family and I moved from Venezuela to the United States when I was eight-years-old. At the time we lived in Irvine, California, where there were few Latinos and I was the only Spanish-speaker in my ESL (English as a Second Language) class. The other students spoke Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese. The sounds I heard, especially while we were doing math assignments, when everyone would count out loud, were deafening and I wanted to be a part of it, so I started to pretend I spoke Chinese just to feel like I fit in. My classmates found it amusing and funny and the situation made my initial school days lonely and a little frustrating, but turned into a do or die for me -- either I learned English or Chinese. I was young, but the advantages of choosing English were clear to me.

Within three months I was transferred to a regular classroom, with English-speaking students. Soon I was chosen to work at the school snack bar and the cafeteria, coveted jobs by all fourth and fifth graders. I told my classmates that I had gone to the "bitch" instead of the "beach", and I couldn't understand why the school was so religious (they promised harsh punishment for "swearing"), but over all I made huge strides.

My fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Beachum, valued me and encouraged me to read by allowing me to stay after class to choose books from her "treasure cabinet." I read too many books to count and by the end of the year I was a better speller than a lot of my classmates. In high school I was an an honor-roll student, graduated at the top of my class and later received a double degree from the University of California at Davis.

Some people are surprised to learn that my children don't speak English. Others are not surprised, but alarmed to learn this fact about my kids. After all, my husband and I are college-educated professionals who actually feel more comfortable speaking in English ourselves. But I want Camila and Mateo to favor Spanish for now. I want them to feel strange speaking to my husband and me in English so that they will always hold on to our language which is the portal to our culture. I want them to tell and understand jokes in Spanish. To argue, sing, dream in Spanish. I want them to read Cervantes, Borges, Neruda, Garcia-Marquez and to savor the beauty of our language. And I believe that by speaking to them in Spanish, and only in Spanish, I am giving them an advantage from which they will reap benefits for the rest of their lives.

I have to admit, at times I want to speak to them in English. Especially when I see them struggling to communicate with other children and adults. On occasion I question myself and wonder if I'm setting them back. But I think of all the people I've met who have said to me "I wish my parents had spoken to me in Spanish/Chinese/Tagalog/German/Vietnamese," and I push away the impulse and the doubts. Having lived here most of my life I feel more "me" when I speak in English and in all honesty, the easiest thing for me would have been to speak to them in English from the beginning. But being a parent isn't about what is easy for me, it's about what is best for my children. And I know the only opportunity my kids have to learn Spanish well is by learning it from my husband and me.

They will learn English... they are learning English everywhere already; at school, at the park, the supermarket, at story-time in the library, in swim class and gymnastics, from the radio, and from members of our family that don't speak Spanish. I was able to learn it at age eight, in three months. I have no worries about Camila and Mateo being English-speakers... soon.

So when my family from abroad speaks to my children in English again I will smile and explain that my U.S.-born children don't speak English. And when I see my children struggling to communicate with others I will smile and think ahead to when they'll be able to communicate with a multitude of people in not one but two languages. I will take pride in how competitive they will be in an ever globalized job market. I will peak into their future and hear them speaking to their own children in Spanish.

For now I will continue to explain "My children don't speak English... yet."

Lessons From My 4-Year-Old

I'm well aware of the enormity of my responsibility as a mom and primary care giver. My job is to teach my children how to sleep on a schedule, how to eat solids, how to walk, how to talk, to get dressed, to tie their shoes and to use the bathroom. It's my job to teach them how to socialize, how to interpret jokes, to distinguish between good and bad, between right and wrong. It's up to me to teach them to be polite, how to converse, to cooperate, to negotiate, to be kind but not a push-over, to be honest but careful with people's feelings. From me they learn the importance of being on time, giving a gift, sending a thank-you card, exercising, eating right... packing a suitcase, dialing 911... everything. 

But sometimes the lessons are learned by me and taught by my children.  

Case in point, Camila, my four-year-old. A few months ago a friend invited us to her house. It was a warm day and she told us to bring swimsuits in case the kids wanted to get wet -- the sprinklers and water toys would be on. I packed a bag with swimsuits, water shoes, sunscreen, hats, extra clothes, and we were on our way. Three blocks from my friend's house I realized I had left the bag at home and let out a loud "Oh shoot!" My daughter immediately asked "What's wrong mommy?" I said, "I left the swimsuits and everything at home!" I looked at the time and started looking for a place to make a u-turn. My kids would be the only ones not able to get wet -- I couldn't let them down like that. But my daughter interrupted my thoughts, "Oh it's okay mommy. Don't worry. Look, I don't want you to drive all the way back home, get us out of the car and hurry to the house to go look everywhere for the bag, okay? It's okay. We just won't get wet. We'll still have fun." I looked at her through my rear-view mirror and saw her beautiful little face, happy and serene. She really meant it. She wasn't mad or sad about it. I said, "All the other kids will get wet. We could go home and get everything really fast and come back." She put her little hands casually behind her head and smiled "I know mommy but then we won't get so much time with our friends." I was struck by how right she was. We went to my friend's house and no one got wet after all. My kids had a great time and I learned a great lesson; it's more important to have time with loved ones and to take life in stride sometimes instead of running around in a hurry trying to make everything perfect. 

More recently, I went to Macy's to buy myself some clothes. Now, Camila and Mateo usually behave so well that I get compliments from other people. The truth is they are well-behaved children everywhere we go, but on this particular day Camila was in a feisty mood. She was bothering her brother and kept getting moving away from me. I grew up watching America's Most Wanted, After School Specials, Oprah and Lifetime movies, so I'm terrified of my children being kidnapped and killed, or worse. You can imagine the terror that entered my body when I turned around to say hi to the cashier and looked back to find only my son sitting in the stroller. I scanned the area quickly and called out "Camila." I carried my son and started moving away from the register, "Camila!" I looked towards the dressing rooms, the escalator, the exit, "Camila!" I kneeled on the floor and looked under the clothes racks "Camila!" My heart was beating so hard I thought I would die but knew I couldn't until I found her. "Camila!" After about four torturous minutes she popped out of a clothes rack, laughing. My fear turned into relief and quickly into anger. 

I forgot my usual get-on-my-child's-eye-level and reassure them I love them despite their mistakes. "Camila! Come here! Do not ever do that again! You scared me, I thought someone kidnapped you! Someone could kidnap you if you leave my side like that! Why did you do that? Do not ever, ever --" I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted to scare her so she would never do it again. I wanted her to see how mad I was so she would remember and reconsider the next time. I could see my screaming had made her laughter and her smile disappear and I felt horrible but wanted to make my point. 

"Mommy, you know what? ... Mommy, you know what?"

My voice still raised I asked "What?"

"I forgive you mommy." I dropped to my knees. "You forgive me?" All the anger left my body. "Yes mommy. I forgive you and I love you." She held my face in her little hands and I could see the tears welled up in her eyes. I hugged her tight and kissed her over and over. "Thank you my love." 

At that moment, I learned how to forgive a person in the midst of being attacked. Camila taught me that I can forgive even before being asked for forgiveness and that big, big lesson from someone who is just figuring out how the world works makes me a better mom and a better human being. 

You Want How Many Kids?!

I want four children. I know-- gasp, schock, horror! I've yet to meet a person who smiled and said "How cool!" in response to my declaration. Maybe it's because we live in Silicon Valley and life here is expensive... The thing is, I'm being flexible and reasonable. Really. I used to want eight children. Yes, eight. 

I'm the second of three children and as far back as I can remember, what I wanted most was to be a mom. I can see my three-year-old self naming all of my kids and dreaming of being a mom. I don't know how the number eight came about, but it seemed to me like the perfect number of children. 

Months before my husband and I were to wed, I treated him to a fancy dinner in San Francisco with the purpose of clarifying something... "I want to make sure you know I really want eight kids." He smiled and held my hand. "I'm serious. Four biological, four adopted." He kept on smiling. "I'm serious! You can't change your mind. If you change your mind it'll be grounds for divorce." Now he leaned over and kissed me. "I know. It's fine. Whatever you want. Just become a rich author so I can be a stay-at-home-dad." Seven months later we married in my hometown of Petaluma. 

In 2007 we were blessed with our beautiful Camila. She was an easy, happy baby. My dad told me ask the pediatrician if he thought everything was alright because Camila never cried. At five months she let out her first wail and even after that, crying was a rare thing for her. But I was tired and I told my husband I had changed my mind. Six kids would do. Carlos and I were 31 then and it seemed unlikely we would manage seven more kids before turning forty -- a self-imposed cut-off age. 

The following year, our son Mateo was born. He was a more demanding baby from the beginning. He wanted to be carried all the time, woke up to nurse every hour and a half and he didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 18-months-old. I continued nursing him until he was two-years-old and by then I had again revised my plan. Four children would do. My husband only smiled upon hearing my announcement. 

They've been holding hands from the beginning.

Undeniable true love.

Camila is now four and Mateo is three-years-old. (Hard to believe). We're starting to think about baby number three and just today a member of one of my moms' groups expressed her ambivalence about having a second child. To my surprise, most of the responses were from singletons who say they loved being only children growing up. 

For me, the most important relationship (aside from the one with my husband) is the one I have with my sister and brother. They are the only people in the world who experienced everything I've experienced. My sister, four years older than me, has more memories of me than I do. She is my strength, my hero, my advocate. My brother, though eight years younger than me, has always been my best friend. Talking about our childhood, remembering daily, sad and funny events is important for us and something we have fun doing. My life would be completely different had I been an only child -- I can't imagine it being as rich, joyful or... complete. 

Now I watch Camila and Mateo play together, laugh together and learn to navigate the world together. I listen to them talk nonstop in their room every morning (and on some nights). I watch them taking care of each other at the park and laugh when I see them wrestling each other. I remember doing the same things with my siblings. I also remember family parties with over fifteen kids dancing, laughing, telling jokes, because none of my aunts and uncles had just one child. Those were great, rowdy parties and I loved being with my siblings and my cousins. At a recent family gathering we sat around my dad's dining room table singing together as he played the guitar and I can't imagine that happening if I were an only child. 

The relationship between siblings is the longest we experience in life. For me, being with my sister and brother is amazing and I'm glad my children get to experience that unbreakable bond. Great friends come and go, cousins move away and are loved but more distant, but my brother and sister are my constant. It makes me happy to know that when Carlos and I are gone, Camila and Mateo will be there to hold each other's hand and keep moving forward together. So hopefully Mateo will have the chance to be an older brother soon (twice over), Camila will get that little sister she prays for every night, and both will have another little hand to hold, another friend for life to love. 

Shhh, the Babies Are Sleeping!

Like most guys, my husband loves technology and likes to have up-to-date electronics. So the box TV we got when we got married wasn't satisfying his male... needs if you will. After saving up his money, researching TV's and comparison shopping for what seemed like three years, he finally bought a beautiful flat-screen. We enjoyed watching shows and movies every night until our daughter was born. Suddenly I found myself saying "Shhh, the baby is sleeping!", to my husband, every time he turned on the TV. The following year my son was born and my complaint turned into "Shhh, the babies are sleeping!"

My husband likes to not only watch TV, but to also feel it in his eardrums. This didn't bother me much until the babies were born and it became a point of contention between us. My husband was frustrated and so was I.

Until... my friend recommended the most wonderful thing -- wireless headphones! Aaahh, peace at last. No more blaring TV, no more nagging. Now my husband can listen to the TV as loud as he wants and the kids sleep peacefully. It's the best Christmas gift I every got my husband (for myself).

These Ablepanet Linx Audio headphones are comfortable to wear and the equivalent to the bed that lets each person set the firmness of their side of the mattress... technology helping couples maintain marital peace.


Link: http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=able+planet+linx+audio&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=9434709715884014855&sa=X&ei=T9VVTqbPNMfkiAKu5u2pCQ&ved=0CD4Q8wIwAw

How I Potty-Trained My Daughter in 3 Days and My Son in 1

When my daughter Camila was 18-months-old she was very interested in using the toilet. She would tell me when she went pee and when she had to poop. We got her a potty and set it up in the bathroom, but my son was only 7-months-old at the time and I couldn't imagine myself running around looking for a bathroom in public places every time my daughter had to go. Everything I read and the expert talk on potty training I attended said if you miss your window of opportunity, the time when the child is interested in using the potty, they may lose interest all together and you will regret it... But I was exhausted and the little potty we got my daughter started accumulating dust.

One year later, when my son was 18 months-old and finally sleeping through the night, I felt ready to tackle potty-training. By this time my son was speaking in complete sentences and would tell me he was going to pee or poop. He hated being dirty and would ask me to change him after each time he wet or soiled his diaper. So I thought "let's kill two birds with one stone." We bought a second potty and I cleared my schedule for a week -- we weren't leaving the house for seven days.

My approach: 


1. I went cold turkey -- put the diapers away and put cute underwear on both of my eager and excited children (I prepped them for about two weeks by watching a video my mom found that has two panda bears singing goodbye to diapers, and reading The Potty Book for Girls and The Potty Book for Boys every day), and gave them lots of liquids (Jell-O, tea, popsicles, water, smoothies, you name it).

2. Every five minutes I said "If you need to pee or poop let me know, I'll help you go to the bathroom." I never ask my kids "Do you have to go to the bathroom?", because the answer is always no. Even now that they are four and three-years-old the answer is always no.

3. If Camila or Mateo forgot to tell me they had to go and I noticed they were going, I scooped them up and ran to the bathroom so they would get at least a few drops in the potty. Then, I made a big deal about how they were able to use it! I sang them a little song, lifted them up in the air, spun around and sincerely celebrated with them every single time.

4. I had a six-pack of Brawny paper towels and was ready for many, many accidents. I also scheduled a carpet cleaning for the following week.

5. When they had an accident I never scolded them or made them feel bad. I just said "Oh no, you had an accident. Let's clean you up and put on some clean underwear. Then asked "Where do we pee and poop?", just to confirm they knew they were supposed to use the potty now.

Day 1

My daughter had one accident. One! I couldn't believe it. She was a pro on day one! My son on the other hand had many, many accidents.

Day 2

My daughter had about 3 accidents but liked her potty and even pooped in it. My son on the other hand had many, many, many accidents.

Day 3

My daughter had no accidents. My son... oh, the poor kid. He had more accidents than I could count. The accidents didn't bother me though, what broke my heart was his frustration and tears. Mateo is a very intelligent child. He is good at things and he knew it even at 1.5-years-old. The problem was that he would tell me he had to pee right after he peed. He did it consistently and no matter how fast I ran to the bathroom with him he didn't seem physically ready to hold it. Celebrating a few drops in the potty wasn't good enough for him. I saw how hard he was being on himself and called potty-training off for him.

I told him that I knew he really wanted to use his potty and his underwear but that we were going to start using diapers again. He refused. I said "When your sister was one-and-a-half-years-old she didn't use the potty either. We will try again in a few months." I promised to leave his underwear where he could see it and the diapers went back on and he was a happy child again.

My daughter was done. We stayed home a total of 5 days but she was done after three. Five days was enough for me to realize that cleaning a soiled potty is no fun though. So my husband bought a Bjorn toilet seat trainer and a portable step and I told my daughter the potty was now only for pee and that poop had to go into the toilet because it was too stinky and dirty. Luckily she agreed and stopped using the potty completely by the end of the week.

Camila had accidents at parks every once in a while for about three months but it was generally when she was really engrossed in a game and when I forgot to say "Camila, let me know if you need to use the bathroom!"







Wait, the title says I potty trained my son in one day, what's up?

Well, the truth is that I didn't potty-train him at all. Five months after his initial attempt, my son turned two-years-old. We were on our way to a birthday party at a park and he declared "I'm not going to use diapers anymore. I want my Thomas underwear for the party." I tried to persuade him to hold off until after the party, but he wouldn't budge. The diapers came off and the Thomas (the train) underwear went on. We went to the party with five changes of clothes in the diaper bag and I prayed for him to be successful. At the park he asked to use the toilet two or three times all on his own and never had an accident after that. He essentially potty-trained himself!

I'm horrified at the prospect of potty-training a child for six months or longer. I think if the process takes longer than a week (expecting accidents every now and then after that period of time), then the child is simply not ready.

I believe my kids were successful because they were ready for potty-training and because I didn't make it a power struggle. I didn't bribe them or give them prizes. I simply told them what was expected of them, helped them get excited about getting rid of hot, bulky, uncomfortable, dirty diapers, and celebrated every success with them.

Now that Camila is four and Mateo is three-years-old I need to tackle night-time dryness training because they still wear diapers to bed. Are your children diaper-free at night? How did you do it?



Links:

Baby Bjorn Large Potty & Baby Bjorn Toilet Trainer: http://www.bjornpotty.com

The Potty Book for Girls: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-potty-book-for-girls-alyssa-satin-capucilli/1008266929?ean=9780764181283&itm=1&usri=the%2bpotty%2bbook%2bfor%2bgirls

The Potty Book for Boys: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/potty-book-for-boys-alyssa-satin-capucilli/1100303868?ean=9780764152320&itm=2&usri=the%2bpotty%2bbook%2bfor%2bgirls

Are Your Kids Money-Savvy?

Fifty percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. And money is amongst the top five reasons for divorce in our nation.

My husband and I both come from divorced parents who, like so many couples, argued about money. We wanted to do things differently so we decided to go to financial counseling before getting married in 2001. We decided to take the preemptive attack on the issue of money before the checking accounts, income and debt were merged. Thanks to my mom we found an amazing counselor who charged us about $150 for a one hour consultation and we began seeing him once a week. The process was amazing and I recommend it to anyone planning to get married or already married.  

After seeing our counselor David, once a week for about two months he told us we were doing great and we decreased our visits to twice a month and later to once a month. After about a year he told us we were ready and though we begged him, he wouldn't take our money any more. 

Because of David's teachings and help we were able to pay off almost $100,000 of debt we had both accumulated before getting married, in less than three years. Most importantly, we are financially healthy. Money is not something that we have ever fought about. It's not an issue in our home and going on 11 years of marriage, I believe it's a huge feat. 

We want our children, Camila and Mateo, to get off on the right foot way before marriage. We don't want them to owe $100,000 by they time they're 24-years-old like we did. Teaching them about money is important to us and something we started doing last year when they were three and two-years-old. We got them interested by giving them coins and having grandparents and aunts give them coins every once in a while to save up for a toy. Once they bought a couple of small things I started taking them to Target and the Disney Store to "shop" for their next goal. I also bought them piggy banks made by Money Savvy Generation, which are awesome because they are separated into four different sections: Save, Spend, Donate, Invest. The piggy banks are see-through so our kids can see how much they're accumulating and once a section is full we empty it, count it, give them dollar bills and take them to the store if they want to buy something. 

This little piggy is helping us teach our children what my husband and I had to pay $150 an hour to learn at the age of 24. No wonder it has won the Parent's Choice Gold Award!

Once we had the piggy banks, my husband and I explained to our children that they would not be getting toys except for birthdays and holidays from us and that if they wanted to buy something they could save up for it. 

We give them a coin for going to bed quietly (they share a room and have in the past stayed up talking until midnight!) and for taking a nap. They get a sticker and a coin for each night they go to sleep quietly and when they have 6 stickers in one week, they get a dollar. (I up the price when we're on vacation $1 per night, $1 per nap, $2 per 6 stickers). 

We also talked to them about the sections that are not so clear to a little one's mind. For example, we tell them about how exciting it is to go to University and learn many things, about giving money to people who don't have any to buy food and about setting up a business like grandma. 

I have been absolutely amazed by their level of understanding, maturity and self-control! Some of their purchases have included a $40 Lightning McQueen race track, a $35 Buzz Light Year, a $35 doll, a $21 Dinosaur, four $16 stuffed animals. We visit the stores often and they see many toys they want, but they both keep their eye on their goal and the pride on their little faces when they're handing the money over to the cashier is absolutely priceless! They know they've earned the money and they feel so empowered by getting to choose what to buy with it! 

At the beginning they were saving most of their money for toys but we've been talking about having a bunch of toys and nothing else, and again they've surprised me with their level of understanding. When grandma gave them each a roll of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters recently, they each, without our coaxing, split the money up pretty evenly amongst the four different sections. They each put a little more money in the "Donate" section because we saw a commercial about children with cleft lip. We are now saving $240 as a family to pay for a child's surgery, based on their request. 

I told them once they have $100 in the "Save" section which is for college, they will get to open a bank account like mommy and daddy! 

Between the two of them they have about $40 saved up in the "Invest" section but I haven't come up with any ideas of what type of "business" they could set up. Any ideas? Please post them in the comments section for us! 

I am so proud of my kids and it brings me joy and peace of mind to know they're on the right road to success and financial well-being! 

I would love to find out what you're teaching your kids about money too. Please share ideas and exercises that have worked for your family! 

Money Savvy Pig (piggy bank) link: http://www.msgen.com/assembled/money_savvy_pig.html

When Nature Calls

One of the perks (or not) of being a mom is the right (or need) to talk about all things poop related. Even the dinner table loses its sacredness when you're sitting around with a group of mom friends and need advice on how to stop a child with loose-stools, or more commonly, how to prevent constipation. I can't think of any other forum where I would write about a potty!

But here I am, a mom, and so I share with you the Potette Plus! A travel potty that can be used for kids potty-training and for any other child who has to "go" when on a long trip or in a neighborhood with no clean bathrooms. 

This potty has foldable legs so you can set it up like a little chair (a self-absorbent baggie fits perfectly and prevents a wet mess). When my daughter had just finished potty training she was afraid to poop on public toilets because she felt like she would fall in. The Potette Plus allows you to open the legs so that it is suspended in the middle of toilet and your child can feel safe and use the legs as handles and to strain. 

I recommend this portable potty to all parents... I also recommend it to anyone with a small bladder like mine because if you're ever in San Francisco on the night of the 4th of July, stuck in traffic in a residential neighborhood for an hour and a half, and you finally reach a parking lot that is very full but dark enough to hide in and you have a minivan which bless the Lord has enough standing room to stoop and pull your pants down, and manage to squat close enough to that potty and realize how very sweet the sound of pee going into a plastic baggie really is... you'll be so, so glad you have kids and an excuse to have that little travel potty in your car! 

Product link: http://www.amazon.com/Kalencom-POTETTE-Go-Potty-Red/dp/B00069BV8A

How to Talk & Listen

How to Talk & Listen

I love being a mom and treat my job like a corporate position. As such, I love taking courses and attending talks as ongoing education if you will.

This book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, has been mentioned by at least three different speakers covering different topics regarding the raising of children. Hearing about it so much, and reading the title a number of times in articles about parenting, I couldn't resist buying it.

The title is long, but really, it's what I, as a mom of two preschoolers, wants to do; talk in a way that they will listen and listen in a way so they'll talk to me now and in their teen years, when kids tend to basically go mute and only utter monosyllabic responses.

I'm currently on chapter three and so far, I want to embody this book! I want my kids to read it one day when they're adults and to ask themselves "Did my mom write this book?"

The authors suggest the reader treat the book like a workbook, filling in blanks and answering questions. I haven't done this -- I'm lucky to have time to read! But I love the way it's written and you'd think I'd be tired of reading illustrated books, but I really, really like the cartoons that help me visualize and imagine how a scenario would normally go and how they would ideally go. I also enjoy reading about other parents' challenges, trials and successes.

I love reading mysteries, who-done-it's, and just plain humor, but once I start reading this book at night it's difficult for me put it down! Especially after implementing some of the ideas presented by Faber and Mazlish. I've got to say that every single technique has worked! So I'll keep on reading and becoming a better listener and talker.

How Much Do They Really Need to Eat?

Like most moms of toddlers, I struggled to get my children to eat at one point. But as I shared in my July 21 entry, once I changed my approach to getting them to eat (and basically stopped trying to get them to eat), they started eating. Faking lack of interest in whether or not they ate was more than a little difficult at first, but I found a food guide that helped put me at ease.

What I learned really surprised me. Take a look at what is recommended for a child to eat every day: 

Children 1-3 years old need...

6-10 of these choices: 

1/2 slice bread/tortilla/roll

1/2 pancake/waffle

1/4 bagel

1/2 cup cereal

1/4 cup cooked cereal

1/4 cup noodles/rice

3 small crackers

They also need: 

1-1.5 cups cooked or raw veggies

1-1.5 cups fresh/canned/frozen fruit

(Limit 100% fruit juice to 4 ounces a day)  

And 4 of these choices: 

1/2 cup milk/yogurt (whole milk up to age 2)

1 cup cottage cheese

3/4 ounces of cheese

1/2 cup pudding/custard

3/4 cup frozen yogurt

3/4 cup ice cream 

As well as 2-4 of these choices:

1 ounce meat/chicken/turkey/fish

1 egg

1/4 cup beans/peas/lentils

1 tablespoon peanut butter

1/4 cup tofu

One ounce is 2 tablespoons! When I read this I literally ran to the kitchen and measured out two tablespoons of chicken and realized it's a tiny amount of food -- faking disintrest had just gotten much easier for me! 

Children 4-5 years old need...

4-5 of these choices: 

1 slice of bread/tortilla/roll

1 pancake/waffle

1/2 bagel

1 cup of cereal

1/4 cup of noodles/rice

6 small crackers

They also need:

1.5-2 cups of cooked or raw vegetables

1-1.5 cups of fresh/canned/frozen fruit 

(limit 100% fruit juice to 6 ounces per day)

As well as 3-4 of these choices:

3/4 cup milk/yogurt

1 cup cottage cheese

1 ounce of cheese

3/4 cup of pudding/custard

1 cup frozen yogurt

1 cup ice cream

And 3-5 of these choices:

1 ounce meat/chicken/turkey/fish

1 egg

1/4 cup beans/peas/lentils

1 tablespoon peanut butter

1/4 cup tofu

1/2 ounce nuts/seeds

I love that the necessary foods are listed as "choices" because letting them choose is what really empowers children and leads them to eat. Recently my son, practically a vegetarian by choice, has stopped eating many of the veggies he normally eats. When I start panicking and thinking "he's not eating enough vegetables!", I remind myself that he doesn't actually need to eat all of these choices every single day. It's my job to offer him and his sister all of these foods, but I have to look at the big picture; did they eat enough vegetables, fruits or whatever this week, not on Monday or Wednesday. My goal is to help them become life-long healthy eaters and I'm glad I found these guidelines because as much as I want them to eat well, I don't want them to overeat.  

6 small crackers, 1 cup of fruit, 1 pancake -- these are not large amounts of food! What matters most I think is to offer food throughout the day at specific mealtimes (no grazing or nonstop snacking!) Children in these age groups should eat three meals and two to three snacks a day.

I have found that actually writing down what my kids eat really helps me see how balanced or unbalanced their diet is and to course correct. 

So, how much do they really need to eat? Not that much. 

*I got these guidelines from www.mypyramid.gov last year but when I visited the web site to post a link here, I found that it's no longer available. I imagine they're revamping everything to match the new "My Plate" campaign. 

*Please e-mail me at themommystreetjournal@gmail.com to let me know if you'd like the printable version of the food guide which also includes recommendations for women. 

Sound Sleep

I have a problem. A sad, sad problem that affects my everyday life... I'm a super light sleeper. Everything wakes me up; a drawer opening, a car door closing, someone sneezing, a clock ticking, a bird chirping. I have actually uttered the words "Stop breathing!" To my husband because even that wakes me up at times. Seriously!

But years ago I found this beauty...

Brookstone calls it Sleep Sound Therapy. I call it My Dream Machine. It's essentially a miracle made by mankind to help people like me sleep through the night. This little wonder offers, according to Brookstone's website, "seven clinically engineered sounds developed by the Center of Neuroacoustic Research." Center of Neuroacoustic Research, I love you! 


I've cycled through the different sounds; thunder, unwind, stream, but for me, the ultimate sound is "white noise." Ah, how I love that sssshhhhhhh sound in my head all night! It makes my brain feel fuzzy and warm and the sleep just comes and suddenly I don't hear crickets chirping, car alarms going off, dogs barking, and my husband can breath. 


I also love this little box because it lets me set a 30, 60 or 90 minute timer for nap time. Yes, my nap time -- I listen to the advice "sleep when your kids do." The sound tapers off slowly so that I wake up gently instead of jumping out of bed with my heart pounding like I do when my alarm goes off. 


My kids have been sleeping with this machine turned on since they were babies and I don't have to worry so much about them getting woken up by outside noise. 


For me, two things would make this product better. First, a timer that would let me set it for night sleep, so I could wake up gently every morning, not just at nap time. Second, the option "car sound," because I love, love, love to fall asleep in a moving car. 


Two decades of research went into making this puppy so don't knock the $129 price tag on it until you've slept a night with it on your nightstand. I guarantee you won't want to return it. Really, I would pay double that amount a week just to get some uninterrupted sleep. Plus I've had my dream machine for years without any problems. 


If you're looking for a way to sleep soundly, I highly recommend this product! 


Product link:
http://www.brookstone.com/tranquil-moments-sound-machines-for-sleep?bkiid=SearchResults|CategoryProductList|596841p

What Would You Do?

The thing I wanted most my entire life was to be a mom. In seventh grade I flirted with the idea of being an architect and in high school I thought of being an obstetrician or a pediatrician. I was admitted to University as a Biological Sciences Major but from the beginning knew that career wouldn't work with my future life as a stay-at-home mom to eight children. I don't have eight children, I have two... for now. I changed my major to Psychology thinking it would better prepare me to be a full-time mom.

After graduation I worked as a legal and medical interpreter but to me it was just a transition job, nothing permanent, just something to hold me over until my kids were born. While I worked I took Child Development classes to further ready myself to be a great mom and learned not only how children develop, but also how children learn -- in preparation for homeschooling my six children. Of course I wanted to homeschool them!

My daughter was born in 2007 and almost a year later my son in 2008. It was a great start to my brood of six and the "homeschooling" began right away. My husband and I took a sign language class and he forgot all of it in about three seconds, but I used it with my children every day. I set up a little schedule  and did activities preschools do; circle time, music time, free play, reading, art time, and so on.

When my friends started talking about preschool I announced my plan to homeschool with confidence and despite some horrified looks, smiled with excitement.

Then last year, about a week after my daughter's third birthday she announced "I want to go to school. By my self. Without you or my brother... and I'm going to go in the school bus." Period, end of story, there wasn't a single question mark in there. Something strange and unfamiliar happened to me then, I was speechless. Once I was able to pick my jaw off the floor I smiled and said "Oh, do you want to play school right now?" She looked at me with her beautiful almond eyes, held my gaze for a few seconds and turned around to play. Without a single word.

Every day for the next three months she restated her plans, "I'm going to go to school without you and without my brother and I'm going to go in the yellow school bus." She said it so often and with such confidence I wondered if she had snuck out at night to watch my DVRd Oprah show about vision boards. At first I laughed it off and told my husband it wasn't happening. She was too little. What was the point of going to preschool when she had me at home all day, teaching her stuff? What if something happened to her? Then I started to get a little annoyed about her messing up my plans, and that's when I noticed it had become a power struggle and I realized that in trying to do what I thought was best for her I could actually be stifling her independence and sense of self. She clearly wanted some space from her little brother and me.

So I signed her up for preschool and a week later as we prepared for her first day I secretly cried all day long. I cried and cried and cried but without her seeing me so as not to frighten her or make her feel bad for her desire to be more independent. I had let go of the plan to skip preschool and realized what I thought was best maybe wasn't and I had to trust her in the process of parenting too. But I was not ready to let her go -- it was too soon! But with the support and presence of my husband, mom, and sister, I took her little hand and walked her into her first classroom and after a brief kiss she was off.

Camila loves preschool and twice a week my son, who never lacks a craving for my attention, gets me all to himself. I get to experience the light feeling of having only one child to carry, play with and entertain. And I've come to love that special one-on-one time with my son so much I'd like to experience it with my daughter too...

So my son just turned three and I started talking to him about going to school. Six months ago he wanted to go, said he was ready. Now, nothing. I remind him of all the toys in his sister's class and mention all the projects she brought home. I ask Camila to share with him how fun it is to play with a bunch of friends in the playground and to sing with the teachers. We talk about how nice the teachers are and how well they take care of all the kids... but of course, he doesn't want to go to school. "I don't want to go to school... I want to go to school with you mommy." Of course.

Mateo just started swimming without me and does great with the teachers. He has a fun time and is all smiles during class. So my plan was to send Camila to school Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and to send Mateo Tuesdays and Thursdays. That way they each get special time with me -- a rarity for siblings 11 months apart.

What would you do, would you, in the interest of giving his sister some personal attention, send him to preschool despite his opposition to going?

No More Tangles!

I want to share this great find with you all...

I've always used California Baby Shampoo & Bodywash for my kids because I feel good about using products that are natural and organic. But as my daughter's hair has grown out from a pixie cut to just below the shoulder, I've encountered more tangles and knots than a boyscout could get out of.

I tried using the California Baby Conditioner but it wasn't um... cutting it -- her hair was still in tangles after her shower and there were a lot of tears shed. She was in pain and I was frustrated and threatened to cut her hair short again if she kept crying every single day while I slowly and as gently as possible brushed her hair (I know, mean mommy... but I was brushing her hair so gently and slowly!)

Anyway, a few months ago I came upon Earth's Best Tangle Taming Shampoo & Conditioner while shopping at Babies R Us. When my kids were babies I gave them Earth's Best baby food, so I already trusted the brand. Then I smelled the shampoo and after inhaling the sweet, delicious smell of fruit punch, I was sold!

I've been in love with this shampoo and conditioner combination from day one. My daughter loves the way it smells and I love, love, love the fact that I can brush her hair easily after a shower! I started using it on my son's hair too just because he wanted to smell like fruit gummies and found that his curly hair is much shinier and feels softer than it did when I was using California Baby.

I'd thought of cutting my hair to match my daughter's and dissuade her from growing it out any longer, but now I say "grow baby, grow!"

The bottle says "Say goodbye to tangles and tears. Say hello to soft, smooth hair," and surprisingly, it's true!

Product link:
http://www.earthsbest.com/products/product/7852200751

Before You Elbow Your Husband...

My son woke up screaming bloody murder three nights ago. Though it has become a rarity, (thank heavens) it's not insanely uncommon for this to happen. Mateo, our youngest child didn't sleep through the night until he was over one and a half-years-old. And he has never been one to whimper -- when he wakes up he makes sure everyone within a one mile radius wakes up with him. And even though he's three now, I still wake up with my heart pounding, wondering who just got stabbed.

In the fifteen years my husband and I have been together nothing has perplexed me more about him than how he is able to go on sleeping, not even flinching, when our children wake up crying like that. At times I've turned on a light and stared at him to let him know I know he's faking it, to no avail. He just keeps on sleeping as peacefully as when we had no children. At times, when one or both of the kids have woken up three or four nights in a row, I have actually elbowed my sleeping husband but he's one of those people blessed with the ability to fall right back asleep even after having just been elbowed by a resentful, exhausted wife.

But I recently learned something -- it turns out women are biologically hard-wired to hear a child's cry. It's actually the sound most likely to wake a woman regardless of whether or not she has children. Duh, right? (Actually, I would've never considered what sounds are most likely to wake women versus men, but once I read the article it made perfect sense). 

What's the sound most likely to wake a man? The sound of a car alarm. I guess that makes sense because to a lot of men their car is their baby (I actually knew a grown man who called his car his "my baby"). The sound of a child wailing isn't even in the top ten sounds most likely to wake a man. The wind howling is more likely to wake them!

So the next time my son wakes up screaming like a banshee, I'll remember these scientific findings... or maybe I'll start blowing really loudly in my husband's ear to see if he wakes up. Now if he has the pillow over his head, the top ten list of sounds goes out the window and my elbow will in fact be aiming for his ribs.


Do you want to see the list of top ten sounds that wake women and men? Visit:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/08/why-mom-wakes-up-when-baby-cries/

A Beautiful Book

Mateo, my three-year-old son is very attached to me. It wasn't until this year that he started letting people other than me do things like carry him, dress him, help him eat, hold him in the pool... And by other people I mean his dad and extended family like grandma and auntie whom he sees regularly.
Even now he likes to follow me pretty much everywhere and will even wait outside the shower for me sometimes rather than be without me a few minutes. With his third birthday upon us I worried about him transferring from the mommy-and-me swim class to the independent swimming class like his older (much more independent) sister. So I found this book, The Kissing Hand, by Audry Penn, and bought it as a birthday gift for him.

On the night of his birthday we read the book before bedtime. Camila, my four-year-old, and Mateo, loved, loved, loved the illustrations and I did too -- they're beautifully detailed. My kids loved this story about a little raccoon named Chester who is afraid to to go school and be without his mom. Chester shares his fears with his mom and she soothes them away with a kiss on his hand. Both Camila and Mateo kept asking me to kiss their little hands like Chester's mom kisses his. (Who doesn't love a book that gets their kids to ask for more kisses?)

To my surprise, the story also helped soothe away my fears about letting my little guy venture out a little without me as he becomes an independent swimmer (happy to say he is having a blast swimming on his own with the swim coaches) and a preschooler later this year.

I highly recommend this beautifully illustrated, heart-felt story to mommies of young children who are starting to venture out into the world without them for the first time.

If you read to your children in Spanish like I do, you'll be happy to know Penn's book is available in Spanish under the title Un beso en mi mano. Your children will love it and you will too!

How I Got My Kids to Eat

My children are only 11 months apart. Yes, 11 months apart. I had a baby when I had a baby. Even though my daughter started walking at 10 months, she still needed to be carried up and down the stairs and still wanted to be held during the day. My son woke up every hour and a half to nurse for about three weeks and then slowed down to every two hours until he was five months-old. And when they were 1 and 2-years-old they played tag with some illness or another for 4 months straight. It was tough and I sometimes felt like crying and just crumbling to the ground from exhaustion. But the hardest part of being a mom for me is... cooking. Ugh!

You can imagine my frustration when my children refused to eat the foods I painstakingly made and served them -- beautifully served and cut up. 

Now, my husband and I are small and don't believe a chubby baby is necessarily a healthier baby, but my daughter was three-years-old and fluctuated between 18 and 20 pounds, while my son was two-years old and weighted all of 18 pounds! 

I would make eating a game, distract them with toys, music, sometimes even a movie. I would get upset 5 times a day -- breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. And sometimes I would literally stand in my kitchen and cry silently. 

And then... I changed everything! 

First I faked complete and utter lack of interest in whether or not they ate...

Have you ever noticed that we tell our kids what to do all day every day? "Time to get up... time to get dressed... here's what you'll wear... look over there... play with this toy... don't touch that... put it back... come here... time to eat... say hello... wave bye-bye... time to shower... time to nap..." All day. Can you imagine what that must feel like? I would want to scream! Kids, especially very young kids, have very little control over their lives. The only things they can decide are; when to go bathroom, when to fall asleep, and how much and if they'll eat. Yes, that's why across the entire world, getting their children to eat is an issue for moms. It's a power struggle. Especially, especially, when they see us fret and worry and pull all sorts of antics to get them to eat. "Hmm," they think, "I think I've got something here. I have some power after all!" 

So that's what led me to change my M.O. 

My daughter: "I'm not going to eat the chicken mommy."

Old me: "Chicken is good for you, it makes you strong. Have some, just a little bit."

New me: "Okay."

Result: My daughter (and my son) started eating the chicken (or any other food they declared inedible)!

After just a few bites...

My son: "I don't want anymore. No more."

Old me: "Two more bites, just two," as I tried to shove the food in his mouth.

New me: "You're satisfied? Okay."

Result: My son, staring in disbelief, "Maybe I'll have just a little more."

New me: "Okay."

I must warn you, it's really hard to keep your smile tightly tucked away when you see them eating, so prepare yourself. 

I stopped offering them three different meals in one sitting...

If my kids declare they won't eat something because they "don't like it" or say they are done after just a few bites, my response is "Okay. Once you get up from the table mealtime is over." And it really is over. I stopped following them around with food and stopped leaving their plate on the table in hopes they would eat a little more. They got the message after about three times -- once they are up from their seats, mealtime is over until the next meal. We eat sitting down and all at the same time even if we're at a park or at a party. 

The only exception to this is when I make a new dish. I always have a tried and true back-up plan ready. I encourage them to try new dishes but I don't force them. 

I make them feel powerful...

If my kids are eating well and I see that they have just a few more bites and are starting to lose interest, I ask "Are you satisfied?" They always, always look at me with some surprise and say "Yes. I'm all done. I don't want any more mommy." And so they feel they're in control. They feel powerful! 

I serve all food together and let them choose what to eat first...

If I say to my kids "If you eat your chicken I will give you fruit/a cookie/a piece of cake," I'm making those foods more valuable than the chicken and suddenly, in their mind, they have to eat the gross food to get the good food. So I serve it all together and if I don't want them to eat a piece of cake before the nutritious food, then I don't give them a piece of cake at all... or I play the Oh-I-forgot-all-about-the-cake! game and surprise them with a piece. I only do this if they've eaten all the nutritious food and only once in a while so they don't catch on. I don't reward my children with food or for eating. 

I accepted responsibility and gave them responsibility...

My job as a mom is to make tasty, nutritious food for my children, 3-5 times a day. I decide what to cook and when to serve it to them. Their responsibility is to decide if they'll eat and how much. 

If I try to take on their responsibility or they mine, we enter a power struggle. 

The more I let them say "no," the more they say "yes". 

Seriously.

I learned that it's okay to lose...

Sometimes my kids don't eat the chicken, or maybe the broccoli or the fruit I serve them. I'm okay with that now. I want them to like food and not feel as if eating is a chore. I also know that I serve them a balanced diet of protein, fruit, vegetables, dairy, fat, and grains throughout the day and the week so in the end they're getting what they need. 

I know kids have thousands more taste buds than adults so for them flavors explode in their mouths and it can take up to 21 attempts for a child to like a new food. We read Dr.Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham regularly and it helps them understand that it's okay and sometimes beneficial to try new foods. 

I'm happy to say that my daughter, now 4-years-old, weighs 30 lbs., and my three-year-old son weighs 28 lbs. They're still thin, but they're strong, active, happy children who feel safe and powerful enough to say what they like to eat and what they don't like to eat, when they want more food and when they are satisfied. 

On more than one occasion my daughter's preschool teachers mentioned how astonished they were that she is the only child in the entire class to turn down foods like cupcakes or to leave them unfinished. I know it's because in her mind all foods have the same value, so if she's done she's done regardless of what is being offered. And that's what makes it worthwhile to be in the place I least like in the house -- the kitchen. 

(Stay tuned to find out how much a child actually needs to eat.)