You can imagine my frustration when my children refused to eat the foods I painstakingly made and served them -- beautifully served and cut up.
Now, my husband and I are small and don't believe a chubby baby is necessarily a healthier baby, but my daughter was three-years-old and fluctuated between 18 and 20 pounds, while my son was two-years old and weighted all of 18 pounds!
I would make eating a game, distract them with toys, music, sometimes even a movie. I would get upset 5 times a day -- breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. And sometimes I would literally stand in my kitchen and cry silently.
And then... I changed everything!
First I faked complete and utter lack of interest in whether or not they ate...
Have you ever noticed that we tell our kids what to do all day every day? "Time to get up... time to get dressed... here's what you'll wear... look over there... play with this toy... don't touch that... put it back... come here... time to eat... say hello... wave bye-bye... time to shower... time to nap..." All day. Can you imagine what that must feel like? I would want to scream! Kids, especially very young kids, have very little control over their lives. The only things they can decide are; when to go bathroom, when to fall asleep, and how much and if they'll eat. Yes, that's why across the entire world, getting their children to eat is an issue for moms. It's a power struggle. Especially, especially, when they see us fret and worry and pull all sorts of antics to get them to eat. "Hmm," they think, "I think I've got something here. I have some power after all!"
So that's what led me to change my M.O.
My daughter: "I'm not going to eat the chicken mommy."
Old me: "Chicken is good for you, it makes you strong. Have some, just a little bit."
New me: "Okay."
Result: My daughter (and my son) started eating the chicken (or any other food they declared inedible)!
After just a few bites...
My son: "I don't want anymore. No more."
Old me: "Two more bites, just two," as I tried to shove the food in his mouth.
New me: "You're satisfied? Okay."
Result: My son, staring in disbelief, "Maybe I'll have just a little more."
New me: "Okay."
I must warn you, it's really hard to keep your smile tightly tucked away when you see them eating, so prepare yourself.
I stopped offering them three different meals in one sitting...
If my kids declare they won't eat something because they "don't like it" or say they are done after just a few bites, my response is "Okay. Once you get up from the table mealtime is over." And it really is over. I stopped following them around with food and stopped leaving their plate on the table in hopes they would eat a little more. They got the message after about three times -- once they are up from their seats, mealtime is over until the next meal. We eat sitting down and all at the same time even if we're at a park or at a party.
The only exception to this is when I make a new dish. I always have a tried and true back-up plan ready. I encourage them to try new dishes but I don't force them.
I make them feel powerful...
If my kids are eating well and I see that they have just a few more bites and are starting to lose interest, I ask "Are you satisfied?" They always, always look at me with some surprise and say "Yes. I'm all done. I don't want any more mommy." And so they feel they're in control. They feel powerful!
I serve all food together and let them choose what to eat first...
If I say to my kids "If you eat your chicken I will give you fruit/a cookie/a piece of cake," I'm making those foods more valuable than the chicken and suddenly, in their mind, they have to eat the gross food to get the good food. So I serve it all together and if I don't want them to eat a piece of cake before the nutritious food, then I don't give them a piece of cake at all... or I play the Oh-I-forgot-all-about-the-cake! game and surprise them with a piece. I only do this if they've eaten all the nutritious food and only once in a while so they don't catch on. I don't reward my children with food or for eating.
I accepted responsibility and gave them responsibility...
My job as a mom is to make tasty, nutritious food for my children, 3-5 times a day. I decide what to cook and when to serve it to them. Their responsibility is to decide if they'll eat and how much.
If I try to take on their responsibility or they mine, we enter a power struggle.
The more I let them say "no," the more they say "yes".
Seriously.
I learned that it's okay to lose...
Sometimes my kids don't eat the chicken, or maybe the broccoli or the fruit I serve them. I'm okay with that now. I want them to like food and not feel as if eating is a chore. I also know that I serve them a balanced diet of protein, fruit, vegetables, dairy, fat, and grains throughout the day and the week so in the end they're getting what they need.
I know kids have thousands more taste buds than adults so for them flavors explode in their mouths and it can take up to 21 attempts for a child to like a new food. We read Dr.Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham regularly and it helps them understand that it's okay and sometimes beneficial to try new foods.
I'm happy to say that my daughter, now 4-years-old, weighs 30 lbs., and my three-year-old son weighs 28 lbs. They're still thin, but they're strong, active, happy children who feel safe and powerful enough to say what they like to eat and what they don't like to eat, when they want more food and when they are satisfied.
On more than one occasion my daughter's preschool teachers mentioned how astonished they were that she is the only child in the entire class to turn down foods like cupcakes or to leave them unfinished. I know it's because in her mind all foods have the same value, so if she's done she's done regardless of what is being offered. And that's what makes it worthwhile to be in the place I least like in the house -- the kitchen.
(Stay tuned to find out how much a child actually needs to eat.)
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