Celebrate!

Camila and Mateo have been in swimming lessons for about three years now. We started in the mommy-and-me program and now they're both swimming independently with their coaches. Each time they complete a level they receive a ribbon reflecting their swimming abilities; tadpole, fish, jelly fish. These meant nothing to me or to my kids when they were tiny, but now that my daughter is four-years-old and my son is three-years-old, the ribbons have come to have some significance for them.

Today my daughter advanced a level and received her ribbon. When I met her in the shower she had a gleaming smile on her face and was holding her ribbon up for me to see. I hooted and let out some "woo-hoo's!" I had the camera ready and snapped away. When Mateo finished his class he met us in the shower area and squealed loudly and with glee upon seeing his sister's accomplishment. I gave Camila some high-fives and Mateo started screaming "You look beautiful sister! You look beautiful!" We were in a celebratory mood.

I turned, still smiling, and met some very disapproving eyes. Apparently some of the other parents thought our much-a-do about a ribbon was inappropriate or in bad taste. The same thing happened last week when Mateo advanced a level -- the hooting, squealing, and the disapproving eyes...

For me it's really important to teach my children to be grateful. Every day we list people and things for which we are grateful. Today they gave thanks for daddy, clean water, each other, our friends, for all of their toys, and for me. And I believe celebrating falls right in like with being grateful.

So we celebrate the usual things; birthdays, Christmas, the 4th of July, Thanksgiving. But we also celebrate small victories like cavity-free dental exams and yes, ribbons. I think it teaches them to enjoy life and builds their self-esteem through important, personal achievements. It also helps them celebrate each other, bringing them closer together.

My children didn't notice the dirty looks we (I) got and I'm glad. They were too immersed in their joyful celebration. We went to lunch with daddy to celebrate, and when Mateo asked Camila "Sister, do you feel very good about yourself?" and she answered "Of course, I feel very good about myself brother because now I'm an octopus!", I felt pride swelling in my heart, not for the ribbon, but for the two amazing people I have the honor to parent.

And it's true, now we've got two octopuses in our family. That's two healthy little people who can listen, follow directions, hold their breath, stay in position, receive correction and criticism and get themselves out of the pool if they ever fall in. And that is much to celebrate about my friends. Woohoo!

Sometimes the Best Thing to Do Is Nothing

Tuesday was a rough day. It was the third day Camila woke up on the left side of the bed, with the wrong foot, upside down and backwards. Everything was wrong; she didn't want daddy to dress her but me. She cried when I put on her t-shirt "I don't want short sleeves, I want a long sleeves!" She cried some more when I told her she could change. She put on a long-sleeved shirt and pushed the sleeves all the way up to her biceps. The fork was the wrong color. The plate was the wrong material, her seat belt didn't feel right... 


I took her and her brother to a local theme park for a change of scenery and some fun... I thought. But Camila was still in a bad mood. She didn't want to get on the rides, pet the animals, wait in line, or let anyone else have fun. I kept my cool for about three hours. Then... it's so hard to stay calm and not lose my patience when I have four consecutive days like this! 


But the other day I read this quote by Tony Humphries; "They're not trying to make life difficult for you, they are only trying to show you how difficult it is for them." ‎I kept reminding myself of this all day. It's not about me, it's about them. 




But... "something must be wrong", I think to myself. I have to do something. I give extra hugs, extra attention, gently ask "what's wrong?" The crying, whining and annoyance doesn't subside. So I do the opposite -- give her space, walk away, tell her it's okay to cry in her bedroom. Nothing. Actually, more tears and screaming. 


I went to bed feeling bad that night. For hours I rattled my brain wondering what I did wrong, how I could do better... Then, yesterday, I tried something new; Camila started to have a fit because I brushed her hair in the bathroom instead of in the living room (a preference she apparently developed this morning), and I felt my shoulders climbing up my neck and my breathing getting shallow. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and knelt next to my daughter. I was going to say something but instead I just looked at her and put my hand on her leg. She stopped (fake) crying for a second and then resumed. I kept my hand on her leg and said nothing. A minute passed and she turned to look at me, stared and grunted. I said nothing but tried my hardest to project nothing but love. "Mommy?" She sat up and stared at me with big round eyes. I said, "I love you." She looked down, stood up and waited. "I love you," I repeated. "Do you want a hug?" She nodded yes and hugged me. I allowed her to control the length and strength of our embrace. She pulled back and said the most surprising thing, "I love you mommy. I'm not going to fight with you anymore." 

Today she said "Mommy, I know how much you love me." I asked, "You do? How do you know?" And in her usual brilliance and amazing understanding of herself and life, she responded, "I know with all of my voice!" And it turns out that sometimes there is nothing for me to do but stop, sit in silence and wait. And in that silence she feels heard and feels all of my love. 

The Dream is a Reality

I was so excited to hear that the Dream Act passed in California! This bill will allow California high school graduates who have no legal documentation, to attend college and apply for financial aid. This is a great step in the right direction -- more college graduates means more productivity, more creativity, more safety and more financial stability for our state. 

As we have more college graduates we will have more small businesses and more job creation -- something California is in dire need of with a 12.1% unemployment rate. Giving bright high school students the chance to attend universities and colleges will give them the opportunity to create, innovate, and help California remain the eighth largest economy in the world. 

I don't understand why there are people who would rather create a second-class citizen who has fewer rights and options. A second-class citizen who cannot contribute fully to society. I don't want to live in a place where youth is angry because they are being punished for their parents' actions, retaliating through violence or becoming a true burden on society because they are unemployable. 

The Dream Act tells elementary, junior and high school students that there is hope, that they have options. Despite their parents bringing them to this country without their knowledge or consent, they can make something of themselves and contribute to our society. This is a far different message from what these undocumented students received before -- what was the point of studying and doing well if they could not attend college and have successful careers? 

As long as they are not criminals; gangsters, violent offenders, drug dealers -- in some way a detriment to our society, why not let them be an asset? 

Some argue that the Dream Act will encourage people to cross our borders illegally. What these people fail to see is that the parents who brought their children here illegally didn't expect their children to be able to attend college. They came anyway and they would continue coming because a lack of college education is the least of their concerns. People risk their lives and the lives of their children to come into this country because staying where they were would be a certain death for them all. Their children would literally starve, suffer and die if they didn't come here. 

People come to the U.S. and will continue to come here even if no services are provided for them or their children. What brings them are jobs and what keeps them here are jobs. In Mexico, 47.4% of the population lives in poverty, according to a report by the Government of National Assessment of Social Policy Development. In Guatemala, 75% of the population lives in poverty, 58% in extreme poverty, according to The World Bank. And according to The World Bank, 20 percent of Nicaragua's population, "fall below the extreme poverty line and are food poor; that is, they cannot meet the daily minimum caloric requirement even if they were to devote all of their consumption to food." Really, a college education is probably amongst the last things on these parents' minds. 

In the end it doesn't really matter how these students came to be here. What matters is that we give them a place to go and a way to make our state and our nation better through continued hard work and dedication. The Dream Act will allow them to achieve this. 

It All Makes Sense Now!

Last week I was at the park with my children enjoying a beautiful day. Most of the children present were young -- under five-years-old. There is a tall structure at this park and a lot of the children were climbing it. Every time one of them climbed up us moms did a little coaching, a little warning -- "One at a time! Be careful!" A few moms walked closer to the structure to be within reach in case their child fell off. All of a sudden five boys around 10-years-old appeared and immediately started climbing the tall structure, two at a time, and jumping off! Again and again they jumped off and landed not on their feet, but on their backs and sides. I just kept thinking "God, please don't let my son ever do something that dumb!" 


I've seen images like those I saw at the park before; boys jumping off roofs, loosing their teeth after skateboarding off a handrail, setting themselves on fire to get a laugh, trying to "surf" on top of a moving car. The thought "How stupid can you be?", always crosses my mind when I see those thing. Why do they do it? It makes no sense to me! Well, it made no sense to me...


However, I recently learned that the prefrontal cortex, located behind our foreheads, and in charge of controlling the ability to differentiate between good and bad, foreseeing future consequences of actions, predicting outcomes, and good social behavior, amongst other duties, is not fully formed until we are well into our 20's. Yes, the area of the brain in charge of decision-making and good judgement, is not fully formed until we reach the age of 25! It all makes now, doesn't it?


Knowing this, I can't think of those boys as dumb anymore. I can't blame them for their immaturity and lack of foresight (how many bones could they have broken jumping off that structure so many times?). Now I know that it truly is just an issue of immaturity based not so much on personality, but on biology. And I also see how much our son will need us to guide him and teach him until he is well past what some parents consider the age where they should stay out of their kids' lives and let them make their own decisions. 


So for now, I will keep reminding them, "One at a time! Be careful!" And hoping (against hope maybe) that my son will never do something so dumb. 

The Mommy Curse

If I had known how much guilt is envolved with being a mom I would have never reproached my mom for anything. I would have known she had already beaten herself up for every single misstep in raising me.

Every night, when I go to sleep I review my day and give myself a grade. I don't know when I started doing this. Maybe I did it from the beginning. But I've noticed that I'm just like those teachers I hated who would never give students an A+ no matter what.

No matter how good a day I create for my children
I seem to always find fault with my parenting. 

It can be anything; having missed naps, not cooking enough fresh meals, having spent too much time in the kitchen instead of playing with the kids, having uttered too many "no's," having put them to bed late, not having read more than two books, and on bad days (mine or theirs), having yelled at them or threatened them with a spanking.

That could be me, lying sleepless, judging myself
while my husband rests peacefully. 

The thing is, I think I'm a really good mom. I love my children to death, and having worked so hard to become a mom, I protect them and cherish them. I love being a stay-at-home-mom and no amount of money could pull me away from my position. My children are happy, loving, intelligent, polite, kind and healthy. They are the kind of kids who sing while they play.

So why am I so hard on myself? Why do I focus on my mistakes instead of the things I do right as a mom? Why do I beat myself up every night? The guilt does me no good and it does my kids no good. And the guilt about feeling guilty is even more useless.

What I recently learned is that I'm not the only mom who does this. In fact, it seems this condition of self-inflicting flagellation is very common amongst moms. More than two friends have recently shared with me stories of self-grading and self-flogging to the point of tears. I wonder if it's an innate action that somehow forces us to scrutinize everything we do in order to be better parents and keep our children safe, or if it's some sort of mommy curse.

Either way, what I realized as I listened to one of my friends share a self-grading episode with me, is that if we are this harsh with ourselves, when we're really good moms, we will be just as harsh on our children, making them feel the same guilt and self-hate that we bring on ourselves. Listening to her, there was no judgement on my part. It was actually like watching myself in an out-of-body experience and it could've been me telling that exact story. But watching from the outside, what I wanted to say most was "Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself." If we are able to do that then we will be able to be kind and compassionate with our children. If we are able to overlook our mistakes and focus on the 98% good instead of the 2% bad or just "not good enough," we will always be able to do the same with our children.

When my children do something wrong I don't say "You get an 'F'!" I say, "You are learning and mistakes are part of the process." Yelling "You get an F!" would not help them grow or become good people, it would probably have an opposite effect stifling them and killing their spirits. And just like there is no manual titled "How To Become A Human Being And Learn Everything You Need To Know," there isn't a manual titled "How To Be The Perfect Parent For Camila And Mateo." So at the end of the day I can't review the events and cross and circle everything with a red pen, lest I stifle myself with guilt and kill my spirit. Nor do I want my children to grow up being so hard on themselves... or on me. Compassion begets compassion.

What I'll do the next time I start berating myself for not
doing every single thing perfectly every day. 

Sign Language Leads to Spoken Language

When I was a student at the University of California at Davis, I took a course with professor Linda Acredolo, whose research lead to Baby Signs: How to Talk With Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk, a book that preceded and probably sparked the baby signing trend. I was fascinated by the idea of babies being able to communicate in infancy and promised myself to teach my children sign language. 

My daughter's first sign -- "more"

When my daughter was born I got a few books and attended a few signing play dates but I had difficulty figuring out the signs from two-dimensional drawings. Still, I used the simple ones; milk, mom, ball, car, dog. I had a total of about twenty words I used with my daughter. The mistake I made was not being patient or persistent. I stopped signing when my daughter was about seven months old because she wasn't signing back to me. I should've read the literature which explains that most children start signing back at around eight months. 


When my son was born the following year I decided to give it a serious go and signed up for an ASL (American Sign Language) class with my husband. It turns out ASL, real sign language, is much simpler to learn than what some call "baby sign language." In the first day of class we learned about thirty words and I felt comfortable enough to start using them all day, every day. My daughter started signing right away too. Though she had started speaking at ten months, she seemed excited to be able to sign and be understood by us more often. To my surprise, she immediately started speaking a lot more words too. Signing expanded her vocabulary and her confidence.  

My daughter's favorite sign. 

My son started signing for milk when he was five-months-old. At six months he started speaking -- "mama, papa, avion (airplane)." By the time he was just over one year-old my son was speaking in complete sentences. People thought he was a midget because he spoke so well. I credit his fluency and ease with words to genes of course -- his dad and I are geniuses. Ha, ha! In all seriousness, I truly believe both of my children started speaking early because we signed with them. 

"Hurt" - one of the most helpful signs
for babies and their parents. 

It seems the act of signing helps children "get" words more easily. Something clicks in their brain when they see mom signing and speaking at the same time. I also believe the ability to communicate long before they are physically ready to formulate spoken words, encourages them to communicate more and to actually speak earlier. 




Seeing my children's excitement and the positive effect it was having on our level of communication, I purchased the Signing Time DVD series. I had seen other signing DVD's but this is the best I found (and it was recommended by our ASL teachers). 


I love the fact that the Signing Time series was created by a mom whose child was born deaf -- a true labor of love. It's easy to learn signs from these videos because they show multiple examples of each sign. My kids love watching them because the signs are taught not only by Rachel, the creator, but by babies and children as well. The songs are cute and pleasant and I love, love, love that the videos are also available in Spanish. 

"Thank you," one of my favorite signs. 

I'm happy and proud that we taught our children sign language and believe their ability to communicate with us decreased the number of tantrums and the level of frustration experienced by both them and us (my husband and me). Now that they speak fluently we don't use signs as much but there are a few, like "be careful," I love to use at parks instead of screaming, and every once in a while we watch the Signing Time videos and review so as not to forget it all. 

"Careful." 

Product link: Signing Time - http://www.signingtime.com/
Image credits: abcmesign.com, athensparent.com, littlesignersclub.wordpress.com, www2.ljworld.com, lifeprint.com

Must-Have Booster Seat

New moms often ask "what are the things I really need for my baby?" One easy answer for me is "the Fisher-Price portable booster seat."

When my daughter was six months old and started eating solids, she was a tiny little thing weighing about fifteen pounds. Her high chair practically swallowed her up and her chin barely made it over the tray. We tried pillows but they slid out from under her and the seat belt was too big to hold her in the center of the seat. 

So we sold the high chair and bought her the Fisher-Price Healthy Care Deluxe Booster Seat

What I love about this booster seat : 

* It's the perfect width to keep baby from sliding from side to side. 

* It has a removable tray for easy washing, as well as a tray cover to keep it clean during travel. 

* It snaps on and off easily. 

* It has adjustable heights so you can lower it as your baby grows. 

* The two exterior seat belts keep it safely in place on the chair. 

* The back folds down so you can carry it with ease. (We used to take this seat with us to restaurants when our kids were babies and I've seen other parents walk into restaurants with the same seat). 

* Once your child is tall enough to sit at the dining table you can remove the tray and continue using the seat. 

Camila and Mateo, now four and three-years-old respectively, still use their booster seats at home. Besides their cribs, I can't think of any other baby product we've used for four years -- it's a definite must-have! 

Product link: http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2002&e=product&pid=27475&ncat=thumbnail&pcat=bgh