Holidays are a time when we see a lot of family and friends -- people who are happy to see our beautiful, growing children. People who are excited to meet them for the first time and people who are thrilled to see the smallest family members again. The scene is typical; outstretched arms, little cheeks being pinched, lots of requests for kisses, bellies rubbed and tickled... it's the perfect time to teach our children about setting boundaries with their bodies, a to begin an inoculation of sorts against molestation.
Yes, the holidays are perfect time for a child to practice saying "no." As in "No, I don't want to kiss her... No, I don't want to sit on his lap... No, I don't want to be tickled anymore." We all want to protect our children from being molested. If you are like me, you talk to your children about not letting people touch their private parts and not touching people's genitals. I also role-play with my children, but nothing prepares us for life better than life itself. Having the opportunity to stand before an adult or another child and say "no" is a great experience for children. Most importantly, being respected by adults, rather than ignored and forced to give kisses, hugs, or be passed from lap to lap, teaches a child that his/her boundaries must be respected. It empowers them and builds a trusting relationship between a parent and child where the child knows mom and dad will back them up, support them and stand by them even when their "no" is embarrassing or uncomfortable for others.
I can tell you from personal experience that this approach will not make you popular. I've heard it all "You should teach them to be polite... You let them get away with being rude... I can't believe they won't give me just one kiss!" When these comments come as I pull my child away from an overpowering (though loving) family member, I pretend I'm made of Teflon and just let the words slide right off. My children are not brats, they just know they can say no to anyone, any time, and that my husband and I will always support them and stand up for them.
It surprises me how many contradicting messages we send children in our society. We tell them not to let anyone touch areas covered by clothes, but then we do exactly that; a gymnastics teacher putting a stamp on a child's belly, a swim coach tickling a tummy or an acquaintance lifting a child onto their shoulders. As parents it's important that we stay on top of things and not let down our guard. When I say "No, please don't put a stamp on her belly... Please don't tickle his stomach," people are taken aback and I get the "wow, what-a-crazy-lady" look. But I know I'm empowering my children, teaching them to say no and protect themselves.
So this holiday season don't send your children mixed messages. Don't force them to kiss anyone, hug anyone, sit on any one's lap. Give your children the best Christmas gift you can give them -- the first of many vaccines against being sexual abuse. Let them say no.
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