Sometimes the Best Thing to Do Is Nothing

Tuesday was a rough day. It was the third day Camila woke up on the left side of the bed, with the wrong foot, upside down and backwards. Everything was wrong; she didn't want daddy to dress her but me. She cried when I put on her t-shirt "I don't want short sleeves, I want a long sleeves!" She cried some more when I told her she could change. She put on a long-sleeved shirt and pushed the sleeves all the way up to her biceps. The fork was the wrong color. The plate was the wrong material, her seat belt didn't feel right... 


I took her and her brother to a local theme park for a change of scenery and some fun... I thought. But Camila was still in a bad mood. She didn't want to get on the rides, pet the animals, wait in line, or let anyone else have fun. I kept my cool for about three hours. Then... it's so hard to stay calm and not lose my patience when I have four consecutive days like this! 


But the other day I read this quote by Tony Humphries; "They're not trying to make life difficult for you, they are only trying to show you how difficult it is for them." ‎I kept reminding myself of this all day. It's not about me, it's about them. 




But... "something must be wrong", I think to myself. I have to do something. I give extra hugs, extra attention, gently ask "what's wrong?" The crying, whining and annoyance doesn't subside. So I do the opposite -- give her space, walk away, tell her it's okay to cry in her bedroom. Nothing. Actually, more tears and screaming. 


I went to bed feeling bad that night. For hours I rattled my brain wondering what I did wrong, how I could do better... Then, yesterday, I tried something new; Camila started to have a fit because I brushed her hair in the bathroom instead of in the living room (a preference she apparently developed this morning), and I felt my shoulders climbing up my neck and my breathing getting shallow. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and knelt next to my daughter. I was going to say something but instead I just looked at her and put my hand on her leg. She stopped (fake) crying for a second and then resumed. I kept my hand on her leg and said nothing. A minute passed and she turned to look at me, stared and grunted. I said nothing but tried my hardest to project nothing but love. "Mommy?" She sat up and stared at me with big round eyes. I said, "I love you." She looked down, stood up and waited. "I love you," I repeated. "Do you want a hug?" She nodded yes and hugged me. I allowed her to control the length and strength of our embrace. She pulled back and said the most surprising thing, "I love you mommy. I'm not going to fight with you anymore." 

Today she said "Mommy, I know how much you love me." I asked, "You do? How do you know?" And in her usual brilliance and amazing understanding of herself and life, she responded, "I know with all of my voice!" And it turns out that sometimes there is nothing for me to do but stop, sit in silence and wait. And in that silence she feels heard and feels all of my love. 

It All Makes Sense Now!

Last week I was at the park with my children enjoying a beautiful day. Most of the children present were young -- under five-years-old. There is a tall structure at this park and a lot of the children were climbing it. Every time one of them climbed up us moms did a little coaching, a little warning -- "One at a time! Be careful!" A few moms walked closer to the structure to be within reach in case their child fell off. All of a sudden five boys around 10-years-old appeared and immediately started climbing the tall structure, two at a time, and jumping off! Again and again they jumped off and landed not on their feet, but on their backs and sides. I just kept thinking "God, please don't let my son ever do something that dumb!" 


I've seen images like those I saw at the park before; boys jumping off roofs, loosing their teeth after skateboarding off a handrail, setting themselves on fire to get a laugh, trying to "surf" on top of a moving car. The thought "How stupid can you be?", always crosses my mind when I see those thing. Why do they do it? It makes no sense to me! Well, it made no sense to me...


However, I recently learned that the prefrontal cortex, located behind our foreheads, and in charge of controlling the ability to differentiate between good and bad, foreseeing future consequences of actions, predicting outcomes, and good social behavior, amongst other duties, is not fully formed until we are well into our 20's. Yes, the area of the brain in charge of decision-making and good judgement, is not fully formed until we reach the age of 25! It all makes now, doesn't it?


Knowing this, I can't think of those boys as dumb anymore. I can't blame them for their immaturity and lack of foresight (how many bones could they have broken jumping off that structure so many times?). Now I know that it truly is just an issue of immaturity based not so much on personality, but on biology. And I also see how much our son will need us to guide him and teach him until he is well past what some parents consider the age where they should stay out of their kids' lives and let them make their own decisions. 


So for now, I will keep reminding them, "One at a time! Be careful!" And hoping (against hope maybe) that my son will never do something so dumb. 

The Mommy Curse

If I had known how much guilt is envolved with being a mom I would have never reproached my mom for anything. I would have known she had already beaten herself up for every single misstep in raising me.

Every night, when I go to sleep I review my day and give myself a grade. I don't know when I started doing this. Maybe I did it from the beginning. But I've noticed that I'm just like those teachers I hated who would never give students an A+ no matter what.

No matter how good a day I create for my children
I seem to always find fault with my parenting. 

It can be anything; having missed naps, not cooking enough fresh meals, having spent too much time in the kitchen instead of playing with the kids, having uttered too many "no's," having put them to bed late, not having read more than two books, and on bad days (mine or theirs), having yelled at them or threatened them with a spanking.

That could be me, lying sleepless, judging myself
while my husband rests peacefully. 

The thing is, I think I'm a really good mom. I love my children to death, and having worked so hard to become a mom, I protect them and cherish them. I love being a stay-at-home-mom and no amount of money could pull me away from my position. My children are happy, loving, intelligent, polite, kind and healthy. They are the kind of kids who sing while they play.

So why am I so hard on myself? Why do I focus on my mistakes instead of the things I do right as a mom? Why do I beat myself up every night? The guilt does me no good and it does my kids no good. And the guilt about feeling guilty is even more useless.

What I recently learned is that I'm not the only mom who does this. In fact, it seems this condition of self-inflicting flagellation is very common amongst moms. More than two friends have recently shared with me stories of self-grading and self-flogging to the point of tears. I wonder if it's an innate action that somehow forces us to scrutinize everything we do in order to be better parents and keep our children safe, or if it's some sort of mommy curse.

Either way, what I realized as I listened to one of my friends share a self-grading episode with me, is that if we are this harsh with ourselves, when we're really good moms, we will be just as harsh on our children, making them feel the same guilt and self-hate that we bring on ourselves. Listening to her, there was no judgement on my part. It was actually like watching myself in an out-of-body experience and it could've been me telling that exact story. But watching from the outside, what I wanted to say most was "Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself." If we are able to do that then we will be able to be kind and compassionate with our children. If we are able to overlook our mistakes and focus on the 98% good instead of the 2% bad or just "not good enough," we will always be able to do the same with our children.

When my children do something wrong I don't say "You get an 'F'!" I say, "You are learning and mistakes are part of the process." Yelling "You get an F!" would not help them grow or become good people, it would probably have an opposite effect stifling them and killing their spirits. And just like there is no manual titled "How To Become A Human Being And Learn Everything You Need To Know," there isn't a manual titled "How To Be The Perfect Parent For Camila And Mateo." So at the end of the day I can't review the events and cross and circle everything with a red pen, lest I stifle myself with guilt and kill my spirit. Nor do I want my children to grow up being so hard on themselves... or on me. Compassion begets compassion.

What I'll do the next time I start berating myself for not
doing every single thing perfectly every day. 

Sign Language Leads to Spoken Language

When I was a student at the University of California at Davis, I took a course with professor Linda Acredolo, whose research lead to Baby Signs: How to Talk With Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk, a book that preceded and probably sparked the baby signing trend. I was fascinated by the idea of babies being able to communicate in infancy and promised myself to teach my children sign language. 

My daughter's first sign -- "more"

When my daughter was born I got a few books and attended a few signing play dates but I had difficulty figuring out the signs from two-dimensional drawings. Still, I used the simple ones; milk, mom, ball, car, dog. I had a total of about twenty words I used with my daughter. The mistake I made was not being patient or persistent. I stopped signing when my daughter was about seven months old because she wasn't signing back to me. I should've read the literature which explains that most children start signing back at around eight months. 


When my son was born the following year I decided to give it a serious go and signed up for an ASL (American Sign Language) class with my husband. It turns out ASL, real sign language, is much simpler to learn than what some call "baby sign language." In the first day of class we learned about thirty words and I felt comfortable enough to start using them all day, every day. My daughter started signing right away too. Though she had started speaking at ten months, she seemed excited to be able to sign and be understood by us more often. To my surprise, she immediately started speaking a lot more words too. Signing expanded her vocabulary and her confidence.  

My daughter's favorite sign. 

My son started signing for milk when he was five-months-old. At six months he started speaking -- "mama, papa, avion (airplane)." By the time he was just over one year-old my son was speaking in complete sentences. People thought he was a midget because he spoke so well. I credit his fluency and ease with words to genes of course -- his dad and I are geniuses. Ha, ha! In all seriousness, I truly believe both of my children started speaking early because we signed with them. 

"Hurt" - one of the most helpful signs
for babies and their parents. 

It seems the act of signing helps children "get" words more easily. Something clicks in their brain when they see mom signing and speaking at the same time. I also believe the ability to communicate long before they are physically ready to formulate spoken words, encourages them to communicate more and to actually speak earlier. 




Seeing my children's excitement and the positive effect it was having on our level of communication, I purchased the Signing Time DVD series. I had seen other signing DVD's but this is the best I found (and it was recommended by our ASL teachers). 


I love the fact that the Signing Time series was created by a mom whose child was born deaf -- a true labor of love. It's easy to learn signs from these videos because they show multiple examples of each sign. My kids love watching them because the signs are taught not only by Rachel, the creator, but by babies and children as well. The songs are cute and pleasant and I love, love, love that the videos are also available in Spanish. 

"Thank you," one of my favorite signs. 

I'm happy and proud that we taught our children sign language and believe their ability to communicate with us decreased the number of tantrums and the level of frustration experienced by both them and us (my husband and me). Now that they speak fluently we don't use signs as much but there are a few, like "be careful," I love to use at parks instead of screaming, and every once in a while we watch the Signing Time videos and review so as not to forget it all. 

"Careful." 

Product link: Signing Time - http://www.signingtime.com/
Image credits: abcmesign.com, athensparent.com, littlesignersclub.wordpress.com, www2.ljworld.com, lifeprint.com

Must-Have Booster Seat

New moms often ask "what are the things I really need for my baby?" One easy answer for me is "the Fisher-Price portable booster seat."

When my daughter was six months old and started eating solids, she was a tiny little thing weighing about fifteen pounds. Her high chair practically swallowed her up and her chin barely made it over the tray. We tried pillows but they slid out from under her and the seat belt was too big to hold her in the center of the seat. 

So we sold the high chair and bought her the Fisher-Price Healthy Care Deluxe Booster Seat

What I love about this booster seat : 

* It's the perfect width to keep baby from sliding from side to side. 

* It has a removable tray for easy washing, as well as a tray cover to keep it clean during travel. 

* It snaps on and off easily. 

* It has adjustable heights so you can lower it as your baby grows. 

* The two exterior seat belts keep it safely in place on the chair. 

* The back folds down so you can carry it with ease. (We used to take this seat with us to restaurants when our kids were babies and I've seen other parents walk into restaurants with the same seat). 

* Once your child is tall enough to sit at the dining table you can remove the tray and continue using the seat. 

Camila and Mateo, now four and three-years-old respectively, still use their booster seats at home. Besides their cribs, I can't think of any other baby product we've used for four years -- it's a definite must-have! 

Product link: http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2002&e=product&pid=27475&ncat=thumbnail&pcat=bgh

It's Rough Being a Boy

When I was little I wanted to be a boy. Well, not really. I just hated wearing a skirts and dresses and figured if I were a boy I could wear pants every day, even to my private school, parties and church. I was a tomboy and to me it seemed like being a boy would be so much cooler, more exciting and easier. Even as an adult, well past my tomboy stage, I thought men had it easier than women. Clearly, they have more powerful positions, get paid better than women for the same job, and can generally discard being sexually assaulted from their list of things to worry about. But now, as a mom to a little boy, I realize being a boy is really rough. 


My children are only eleven months apart, so it's easy for me to compare the way they are perceived and treated by other people. Both of my children are sweet, kind and loving. They both love babies and are drawn to them. But since the beginning, when Mateo was just one-year-old and Camila two, I saw the different reactions from people. When my daughter approached a baby the mothers would smile and welcome her saying things like "You like the baby? Say hi baby... Your daughter is so sweet!" Even when she would accidentally tumble over the baby or lose her balance and push the baby's head let's say, the mothers would smile and say "It's okay." But when my son would approach, sometimes the exact same baby, the mother would warn, "Be careful with the baby. Be gentle," and usually lift the baby out of Mateo's reach. I saw this happen again and again and each time I saw confusion and sadness in my little boy's face. 


I teach my children to be kind and gentle with those younger than them. I teach them to touch a baby's foot instead of the hand or the face, and to protect smaller children who might need help. When my daughter squeezes a baby's foot with love and excitement the parents say nothing and smile, or they might encourage her to touch the baby's head. When my son does the same the warnings come "Not too hard. Be careful." I see the unease in the parent's face and my son does too, often backing away. At parks where he might approach another child to hug them, hold their hand or help them, he hears "No pushing! Be nice!" 


On the rare occasion when my daughter pushes someone the other child's parents quickly let it go saying "It's okay." When my son pushes someone it's assumed he is starting trouble and for no good reason. Just this past week we attended a gathering with many moms and children. A woman approached me to say my son was "Hitting all the boys" and a second woman added that he was "not letting any of them play." I walked over to find him crammed into the corner of a small play house, surrounded by four boys taller and probably older than him, about to cry. My daughter was outside. I asked what was going on and with tears in his eyes he said "I don't know." "They're hitting him and pushing him mom," my daughter explained. "I hit them so they would leave him alone but they won't stop." After some questioning from me, the boys admitted things had been as my daughter had said. I expressed my pride in my daughter for defending her brother (it's the first time I know of her hitting someone), and helped my son get out of the play house. I thought it interesting that my son was hit and pushed and my daughter did some hitting, but it was my son who was labeled the aggressor.


The fact is, my son is more aggressive than my daughter. He has hit other children and when he gets mad he really gets mad. But I can't recall one single time when he was being aggressive before a mother or father treated him in a defensive way, rejecting his friendly approach towards their child. 


In their book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, the authors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, talk about how boys' emotional lives are suppressed. The book focuses on school-aged and teen-aged boys, but I see now that the process begins in infancy. I don't think my son's experience is unique and it saddens me to see that boys, from the beginning, are treated with suspicion and even disdain. We complain that men don't express emotion, that they're not nurturing like women, but now I see that as a society, we turn that switch off in them early. My son is now three-years-old and I see him approach babies with hesitation now, watching the parent's face and often briefly touching a foot or a leg before turning away quickly. I know he still loves them because he admires them from a distance and says "Mommy, look at that baby. He's so beautiful. He's so little mommy. I want to carry that baby." 


I believe we're failing boys in this way. Not allowing them to develop into their full human potential. How can we expect them to be loving fathers and husbands? My friend's son was excluded from a class project and reprimanded for writing a story about a superhero who used fire to save others. The story (and thus the boy) was deemed "too violent" by his first-grade teacher. When I heard what happened I recognized it as the same knee-jerk reaction my son gets when he has the intention of being kind but adults focus on the fact that he is a boy and assume the worst. 


In his book Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain, David Eagleman explains that 98.4 percent of those on death row are male and writes "It seems clear enough that the carriers (of the Y chromosome) are strongly predisposed toward a different type of behavior..." But having witnessed events like the ones I've shared with you, on so many occasions, I wonder if it's not the genes that predispose men to violence, as much as the way males are treated and presumed guilty from such an early age. 


Perhaps if we change the way we view boys, simply by giving them the benefit of the doubt. If we force ourselves to focus on their kind intentions; wanting to caress a baby, to hug or help another child, to be a superhero who saves others, rather than on our preconceived notion of what and who boys are, we will end the self-fulfilling prophecy of violent men who cannot nurture. 

Dr. Seuss Habla Español!

It wasn't until I became a mom that I began to read Dr. Seuss' books. The first movie my husband and I took my daughter to see was "Horton Hears A Who!", and I instantly fell in love with the way Dr. Seuss' stories are able to convey a strong message to people of all ages. So I was thrilled to find his work translated to Spanish!


I love "Huevos verdes con jamon" (Green Eggs and Ham), because it helps me remind my children that it's important to try new foods at least once. Often, when they turn away from a new food I recite a few lines from the book. They laugh and usually try at least one bite.









"Yoruga la tortuga y otros cuentos" (Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories), is my favorite Dr. Seuss book. So many wonderful lessons including the perils of being power-hungry and the importance of accepting our bodies as they are.

"Oh, cuan lejos llegaras" (Oh, the Places You'll Go!), is a beautiful book that any parent might have written, or would like to write for their child. It's a story about life that I know I will continue reading to my children for many years to come and pack it up in their suitcase when they move away to college.


My kids love these books and I love that they are available for parents who are raising their children with the Spanish language!

I must say I have read a few other translated Dr. Seuss books and found the translations to be subpar, so I always borrow his books from the library before buying them. 

My Children Don't Speak English

One of my commitments to my children is to pass our language on to them. Being fluent in Spanish is one of the most important educational goals I have for them.

My family and I moved from Venezuela to the United States when I was eight-years-old. At the time we lived in Irvine, California, where there were few Latinos and I was the only Spanish-speaker in my ESL (English as a Second Language) class. The other students spoke Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese. The sounds I heard, especially while we were doing math assignments, when everyone would count out loud, were deafening and I wanted to be a part of it, so I started to pretend I spoke Chinese just to feel like I fit in. My classmates found it amusing and funny and the situation made my initial school days lonely and a little frustrating, but turned into a do or die for me -- either I learned English or Chinese. I was young, but the advantages of choosing English were clear to me.

Within three months I was transferred to a regular classroom, with English-speaking students. Soon I was chosen to work at the school snack bar and the cafeteria, coveted jobs by all fourth and fifth graders. I told my classmates that I had gone to the "bitch" instead of the "beach", and I couldn't understand why the school was so religious (they promised harsh punishment for "swearing"), but over all I made huge strides.

My fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Beachum, valued me and encouraged me to read by allowing me to stay after class to choose books from her "treasure cabinet." I read too many books to count and by the end of the year I was a better speller than a lot of my classmates. In high school I was an an honor-roll student, graduated at the top of my class and later received a double degree from the University of California at Davis.

Some people are surprised to learn that my children don't speak English. Others are not surprised, but alarmed to learn this fact about my kids. After all, my husband and I are college-educated professionals who actually feel more comfortable speaking in English ourselves. But I want Camila and Mateo to favor Spanish for now. I want them to feel strange speaking to my husband and me in English so that they will always hold on to our language which is the portal to our culture. I want them to tell and understand jokes in Spanish. To argue, sing, dream in Spanish. I want them to read Cervantes, Borges, Neruda, Garcia-Marquez and to savor the beauty of our language. And I believe that by speaking to them in Spanish, and only in Spanish, I am giving them an advantage from which they will reap benefits for the rest of their lives.

I have to admit, at times I want to speak to them in English. Especially when I see them struggling to communicate with other children and adults. On occasion I question myself and wonder if I'm setting them back. But I think of all the people I've met who have said to me "I wish my parents had spoken to me in Spanish/Chinese/Tagalog/German/Vietnamese," and I push away the impulse and the doubts. Having lived here most of my life I feel more "me" when I speak in English and in all honesty, the easiest thing for me would have been to speak to them in English from the beginning. But being a parent isn't about what is easy for me, it's about what is best for my children. And I know the only opportunity my kids have to learn Spanish well is by learning it from my husband and me.

They will learn English... they are learning English everywhere already; at school, at the park, the supermarket, at story-time in the library, in swim class and gymnastics, from the radio, and from members of our family that don't speak Spanish. I was able to learn it at age eight, in three months. I have no worries about Camila and Mateo being English-speakers... soon.

So when my family from abroad speaks to my children in English again I will smile and explain that my U.S.-born children don't speak English. And when I see my children struggling to communicate with others I will smile and think ahead to when they'll be able to communicate with a multitude of people in not one but two languages. I will take pride in how competitive they will be in an ever globalized job market. I will peak into their future and hear them speaking to their own children in Spanish.

For now I will continue to explain "My children don't speak English... yet."

Lessons From My 4-Year-Old

I'm well aware of the enormity of my responsibility as a mom and primary care giver. My job is to teach my children how to sleep on a schedule, how to eat solids, how to walk, how to talk, to get dressed, to tie their shoes and to use the bathroom. It's my job to teach them how to socialize, how to interpret jokes, to distinguish between good and bad, between right and wrong. It's up to me to teach them to be polite, how to converse, to cooperate, to negotiate, to be kind but not a push-over, to be honest but careful with people's feelings. From me they learn the importance of being on time, giving a gift, sending a thank-you card, exercising, eating right... packing a suitcase, dialing 911... everything. 

But sometimes the lessons are learned by me and taught by my children.  

Case in point, Camila, my four-year-old. A few months ago a friend invited us to her house. It was a warm day and she told us to bring swimsuits in case the kids wanted to get wet -- the sprinklers and water toys would be on. I packed a bag with swimsuits, water shoes, sunscreen, hats, extra clothes, and we were on our way. Three blocks from my friend's house I realized I had left the bag at home and let out a loud "Oh shoot!" My daughter immediately asked "What's wrong mommy?" I said, "I left the swimsuits and everything at home!" I looked at the time and started looking for a place to make a u-turn. My kids would be the only ones not able to get wet -- I couldn't let them down like that. But my daughter interrupted my thoughts, "Oh it's okay mommy. Don't worry. Look, I don't want you to drive all the way back home, get us out of the car and hurry to the house to go look everywhere for the bag, okay? It's okay. We just won't get wet. We'll still have fun." I looked at her through my rear-view mirror and saw her beautiful little face, happy and serene. She really meant it. She wasn't mad or sad about it. I said, "All the other kids will get wet. We could go home and get everything really fast and come back." She put her little hands casually behind her head and smiled "I know mommy but then we won't get so much time with our friends." I was struck by how right she was. We went to my friend's house and no one got wet after all. My kids had a great time and I learned a great lesson; it's more important to have time with loved ones and to take life in stride sometimes instead of running around in a hurry trying to make everything perfect. 

More recently, I went to Macy's to buy myself some clothes. Now, Camila and Mateo usually behave so well that I get compliments from other people. The truth is they are well-behaved children everywhere we go, but on this particular day Camila was in a feisty mood. She was bothering her brother and kept getting moving away from me. I grew up watching America's Most Wanted, After School Specials, Oprah and Lifetime movies, so I'm terrified of my children being kidnapped and killed, or worse. You can imagine the terror that entered my body when I turned around to say hi to the cashier and looked back to find only my son sitting in the stroller. I scanned the area quickly and called out "Camila." I carried my son and started moving away from the register, "Camila!" I looked towards the dressing rooms, the escalator, the exit, "Camila!" I kneeled on the floor and looked under the clothes racks "Camila!" My heart was beating so hard I thought I would die but knew I couldn't until I found her. "Camila!" After about four torturous minutes she popped out of a clothes rack, laughing. My fear turned into relief and quickly into anger. 

I forgot my usual get-on-my-child's-eye-level and reassure them I love them despite their mistakes. "Camila! Come here! Do not ever do that again! You scared me, I thought someone kidnapped you! Someone could kidnap you if you leave my side like that! Why did you do that? Do not ever, ever --" I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted to scare her so she would never do it again. I wanted her to see how mad I was so she would remember and reconsider the next time. I could see my screaming had made her laughter and her smile disappear and I felt horrible but wanted to make my point. 

"Mommy, you know what? ... Mommy, you know what?"

My voice still raised I asked "What?"

"I forgive you mommy." I dropped to my knees. "You forgive me?" All the anger left my body. "Yes mommy. I forgive you and I love you." She held my face in her little hands and I could see the tears welled up in her eyes. I hugged her tight and kissed her over and over. "Thank you my love." 

At that moment, I learned how to forgive a person in the midst of being attacked. Camila taught me that I can forgive even before being asked for forgiveness and that big, big lesson from someone who is just figuring out how the world works makes me a better mom and a better human being. 

You Want How Many Kids?!

I want four children. I know-- gasp, schock, horror! I've yet to meet a person who smiled and said "How cool!" in response to my declaration. Maybe it's because we live in Silicon Valley and life here is expensive... The thing is, I'm being flexible and reasonable. Really. I used to want eight children. Yes, eight. 

I'm the second of three children and as far back as I can remember, what I wanted most was to be a mom. I can see my three-year-old self naming all of my kids and dreaming of being a mom. I don't know how the number eight came about, but it seemed to me like the perfect number of children. 

Months before my husband and I were to wed, I treated him to a fancy dinner in San Francisco with the purpose of clarifying something... "I want to make sure you know I really want eight kids." He smiled and held my hand. "I'm serious. Four biological, four adopted." He kept on smiling. "I'm serious! You can't change your mind. If you change your mind it'll be grounds for divorce." Now he leaned over and kissed me. "I know. It's fine. Whatever you want. Just become a rich author so I can be a stay-at-home-dad." Seven months later we married in my hometown of Petaluma. 

In 2007 we were blessed with our beautiful Camila. She was an easy, happy baby. My dad told me ask the pediatrician if he thought everything was alright because Camila never cried. At five months she let out her first wail and even after that, crying was a rare thing for her. But I was tired and I told my husband I had changed my mind. Six kids would do. Carlos and I were 31 then and it seemed unlikely we would manage seven more kids before turning forty -- a self-imposed cut-off age. 

The following year, our son Mateo was born. He was a more demanding baby from the beginning. He wanted to be carried all the time, woke up to nurse every hour and a half and he didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 18-months-old. I continued nursing him until he was two-years-old and by then I had again revised my plan. Four children would do. My husband only smiled upon hearing my announcement. 

They've been holding hands from the beginning.

Undeniable true love.

Camila is now four and Mateo is three-years-old. (Hard to believe). We're starting to think about baby number three and just today a member of one of my moms' groups expressed her ambivalence about having a second child. To my surprise, most of the responses were from singletons who say they loved being only children growing up. 

For me, the most important relationship (aside from the one with my husband) is the one I have with my sister and brother. They are the only people in the world who experienced everything I've experienced. My sister, four years older than me, has more memories of me than I do. She is my strength, my hero, my advocate. My brother, though eight years younger than me, has always been my best friend. Talking about our childhood, remembering daily, sad and funny events is important for us and something we have fun doing. My life would be completely different had I been an only child -- I can't imagine it being as rich, joyful or... complete. 

Now I watch Camila and Mateo play together, laugh together and learn to navigate the world together. I listen to them talk nonstop in their room every morning (and on some nights). I watch them taking care of each other at the park and laugh when I see them wrestling each other. I remember doing the same things with my siblings. I also remember family parties with over fifteen kids dancing, laughing, telling jokes, because none of my aunts and uncles had just one child. Those were great, rowdy parties and I loved being with my siblings and my cousins. At a recent family gathering we sat around my dad's dining room table singing together as he played the guitar and I can't imagine that happening if I were an only child. 

The relationship between siblings is the longest we experience in life. For me, being with my sister and brother is amazing and I'm glad my children get to experience that unbreakable bond. Great friends come and go, cousins move away and are loved but more distant, but my brother and sister are my constant. It makes me happy to know that when Carlos and I are gone, Camila and Mateo will be there to hold each other's hand and keep moving forward together. So hopefully Mateo will have the chance to be an older brother soon (twice over), Camila will get that little sister she prays for every night, and both will have another little hand to hold, another friend for life to love. 

Shhh, the Babies Are Sleeping!

Like most guys, my husband loves technology and likes to have up-to-date electronics. So the box TV we got when we got married wasn't satisfying his male... needs if you will. After saving up his money, researching TV's and comparison shopping for what seemed like three years, he finally bought a beautiful flat-screen. We enjoyed watching shows and movies every night until our daughter was born. Suddenly I found myself saying "Shhh, the baby is sleeping!", to my husband, every time he turned on the TV. The following year my son was born and my complaint turned into "Shhh, the babies are sleeping!"

My husband likes to not only watch TV, but to also feel it in his eardrums. This didn't bother me much until the babies were born and it became a point of contention between us. My husband was frustrated and so was I.

Until... my friend recommended the most wonderful thing -- wireless headphones! Aaahh, peace at last. No more blaring TV, no more nagging. Now my husband can listen to the TV as loud as he wants and the kids sleep peacefully. It's the best Christmas gift I every got my husband (for myself).

These Ablepanet Linx Audio headphones are comfortable to wear and the equivalent to the bed that lets each person set the firmness of their side of the mattress... technology helping couples maintain marital peace.


Link: http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=able+planet+linx+audio&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=9434709715884014855&sa=X&ei=T9VVTqbPNMfkiAKu5u2pCQ&ved=0CD4Q8wIwAw

How I Potty-Trained My Daughter in 3 Days and My Son in 1

When my daughter Camila was 18-months-old she was very interested in using the toilet. She would tell me when she went pee and when she had to poop. We got her a potty and set it up in the bathroom, but my son was only 7-months-old at the time and I couldn't imagine myself running around looking for a bathroom in public places every time my daughter had to go. Everything I read and the expert talk on potty training I attended said if you miss your window of opportunity, the time when the child is interested in using the potty, they may lose interest all together and you will regret it... But I was exhausted and the little potty we got my daughter started accumulating dust.

One year later, when my son was 18 months-old and finally sleeping through the night, I felt ready to tackle potty-training. By this time my son was speaking in complete sentences and would tell me he was going to pee or poop. He hated being dirty and would ask me to change him after each time he wet or soiled his diaper. So I thought "let's kill two birds with one stone." We bought a second potty and I cleared my schedule for a week -- we weren't leaving the house for seven days.

My approach: 


1. I went cold turkey -- put the diapers away and put cute underwear on both of my eager and excited children (I prepped them for about two weeks by watching a video my mom found that has two panda bears singing goodbye to diapers, and reading The Potty Book for Girls and The Potty Book for Boys every day), and gave them lots of liquids (Jell-O, tea, popsicles, water, smoothies, you name it).

2. Every five minutes I said "If you need to pee or poop let me know, I'll help you go to the bathroom." I never ask my kids "Do you have to go to the bathroom?", because the answer is always no. Even now that they are four and three-years-old the answer is always no.

3. If Camila or Mateo forgot to tell me they had to go and I noticed they were going, I scooped them up and ran to the bathroom so they would get at least a few drops in the potty. Then, I made a big deal about how they were able to use it! I sang them a little song, lifted them up in the air, spun around and sincerely celebrated with them every single time.

4. I had a six-pack of Brawny paper towels and was ready for many, many accidents. I also scheduled a carpet cleaning for the following week.

5. When they had an accident I never scolded them or made them feel bad. I just said "Oh no, you had an accident. Let's clean you up and put on some clean underwear. Then asked "Where do we pee and poop?", just to confirm they knew they were supposed to use the potty now.

Day 1

My daughter had one accident. One! I couldn't believe it. She was a pro on day one! My son on the other hand had many, many accidents.

Day 2

My daughter had about 3 accidents but liked her potty and even pooped in it. My son on the other hand had many, many, many accidents.

Day 3

My daughter had no accidents. My son... oh, the poor kid. He had more accidents than I could count. The accidents didn't bother me though, what broke my heart was his frustration and tears. Mateo is a very intelligent child. He is good at things and he knew it even at 1.5-years-old. The problem was that he would tell me he had to pee right after he peed. He did it consistently and no matter how fast I ran to the bathroom with him he didn't seem physically ready to hold it. Celebrating a few drops in the potty wasn't good enough for him. I saw how hard he was being on himself and called potty-training off for him.

I told him that I knew he really wanted to use his potty and his underwear but that we were going to start using diapers again. He refused. I said "When your sister was one-and-a-half-years-old she didn't use the potty either. We will try again in a few months." I promised to leave his underwear where he could see it and the diapers went back on and he was a happy child again.

My daughter was done. We stayed home a total of 5 days but she was done after three. Five days was enough for me to realize that cleaning a soiled potty is no fun though. So my husband bought a Bjorn toilet seat trainer and a portable step and I told my daughter the potty was now only for pee and that poop had to go into the toilet because it was too stinky and dirty. Luckily she agreed and stopped using the potty completely by the end of the week.

Camila had accidents at parks every once in a while for about three months but it was generally when she was really engrossed in a game and when I forgot to say "Camila, let me know if you need to use the bathroom!"







Wait, the title says I potty trained my son in one day, what's up?

Well, the truth is that I didn't potty-train him at all. Five months after his initial attempt, my son turned two-years-old. We were on our way to a birthday party at a park and he declared "I'm not going to use diapers anymore. I want my Thomas underwear for the party." I tried to persuade him to hold off until after the party, but he wouldn't budge. The diapers came off and the Thomas (the train) underwear went on. We went to the party with five changes of clothes in the diaper bag and I prayed for him to be successful. At the park he asked to use the toilet two or three times all on his own and never had an accident after that. He essentially potty-trained himself!

I'm horrified at the prospect of potty-training a child for six months or longer. I think if the process takes longer than a week (expecting accidents every now and then after that period of time), then the child is simply not ready.

I believe my kids were successful because they were ready for potty-training and because I didn't make it a power struggle. I didn't bribe them or give them prizes. I simply told them what was expected of them, helped them get excited about getting rid of hot, bulky, uncomfortable, dirty diapers, and celebrated every success with them.

Now that Camila is four and Mateo is three-years-old I need to tackle night-time dryness training because they still wear diapers to bed. Are your children diaper-free at night? How did you do it?



Links:

Baby Bjorn Large Potty & Baby Bjorn Toilet Trainer: http://www.bjornpotty.com

The Potty Book for Girls: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-potty-book-for-girls-alyssa-satin-capucilli/1008266929?ean=9780764181283&itm=1&usri=the%2bpotty%2bbook%2bfor%2bgirls

The Potty Book for Boys: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/potty-book-for-boys-alyssa-satin-capucilli/1100303868?ean=9780764152320&itm=2&usri=the%2bpotty%2bbook%2bfor%2bgirls

Are Your Kids Money-Savvy?

Fifty percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. And money is amongst the top five reasons for divorce in our nation.

My husband and I both come from divorced parents who, like so many couples, argued about money. We wanted to do things differently so we decided to go to financial counseling before getting married in 2001. We decided to take the preemptive attack on the issue of money before the checking accounts, income and debt were merged. Thanks to my mom we found an amazing counselor who charged us about $150 for a one hour consultation and we began seeing him once a week. The process was amazing and I recommend it to anyone planning to get married or already married.  

After seeing our counselor David, once a week for about two months he told us we were doing great and we decreased our visits to twice a month and later to once a month. After about a year he told us we were ready and though we begged him, he wouldn't take our money any more. 

Because of David's teachings and help we were able to pay off almost $100,000 of debt we had both accumulated before getting married, in less than three years. Most importantly, we are financially healthy. Money is not something that we have ever fought about. It's not an issue in our home and going on 11 years of marriage, I believe it's a huge feat. 

We want our children, Camila and Mateo, to get off on the right foot way before marriage. We don't want them to owe $100,000 by they time they're 24-years-old like we did. Teaching them about money is important to us and something we started doing last year when they were three and two-years-old. We got them interested by giving them coins and having grandparents and aunts give them coins every once in a while to save up for a toy. Once they bought a couple of small things I started taking them to Target and the Disney Store to "shop" for their next goal. I also bought them piggy banks made by Money Savvy Generation, which are awesome because they are separated into four different sections: Save, Spend, Donate, Invest. The piggy banks are see-through so our kids can see how much they're accumulating and once a section is full we empty it, count it, give them dollar bills and take them to the store if they want to buy something. 

This little piggy is helping us teach our children what my husband and I had to pay $150 an hour to learn at the age of 24. No wonder it has won the Parent's Choice Gold Award!

Once we had the piggy banks, my husband and I explained to our children that they would not be getting toys except for birthdays and holidays from us and that if they wanted to buy something they could save up for it. 

We give them a coin for going to bed quietly (they share a room and have in the past stayed up talking until midnight!) and for taking a nap. They get a sticker and a coin for each night they go to sleep quietly and when they have 6 stickers in one week, they get a dollar. (I up the price when we're on vacation $1 per night, $1 per nap, $2 per 6 stickers). 

We also talked to them about the sections that are not so clear to a little one's mind. For example, we tell them about how exciting it is to go to University and learn many things, about giving money to people who don't have any to buy food and about setting up a business like grandma. 

I have been absolutely amazed by their level of understanding, maturity and self-control! Some of their purchases have included a $40 Lightning McQueen race track, a $35 Buzz Light Year, a $35 doll, a $21 Dinosaur, four $16 stuffed animals. We visit the stores often and they see many toys they want, but they both keep their eye on their goal and the pride on their little faces when they're handing the money over to the cashier is absolutely priceless! They know they've earned the money and they feel so empowered by getting to choose what to buy with it! 

At the beginning they were saving most of their money for toys but we've been talking about having a bunch of toys and nothing else, and again they've surprised me with their level of understanding. When grandma gave them each a roll of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters recently, they each, without our coaxing, split the money up pretty evenly amongst the four different sections. They each put a little more money in the "Donate" section because we saw a commercial about children with cleft lip. We are now saving $240 as a family to pay for a child's surgery, based on their request. 

I told them once they have $100 in the "Save" section which is for college, they will get to open a bank account like mommy and daddy! 

Between the two of them they have about $40 saved up in the "Invest" section but I haven't come up with any ideas of what type of "business" they could set up. Any ideas? Please post them in the comments section for us! 

I am so proud of my kids and it brings me joy and peace of mind to know they're on the right road to success and financial well-being! 

I would love to find out what you're teaching your kids about money too. Please share ideas and exercises that have worked for your family! 

Money Savvy Pig (piggy bank) link: http://www.msgen.com/assembled/money_savvy_pig.html

When Nature Calls

One of the perks (or not) of being a mom is the right (or need) to talk about all things poop related. Even the dinner table loses its sacredness when you're sitting around with a group of mom friends and need advice on how to stop a child with loose-stools, or more commonly, how to prevent constipation. I can't think of any other forum where I would write about a potty!

But here I am, a mom, and so I share with you the Potette Plus! A travel potty that can be used for kids potty-training and for any other child who has to "go" when on a long trip or in a neighborhood with no clean bathrooms. 

This potty has foldable legs so you can set it up like a little chair (a self-absorbent baggie fits perfectly and prevents a wet mess). When my daughter had just finished potty training she was afraid to poop on public toilets because she felt like she would fall in. The Potette Plus allows you to open the legs so that it is suspended in the middle of toilet and your child can feel safe and use the legs as handles and to strain. 

I recommend this portable potty to all parents... I also recommend it to anyone with a small bladder like mine because if you're ever in San Francisco on the night of the 4th of July, stuck in traffic in a residential neighborhood for an hour and a half, and you finally reach a parking lot that is very full but dark enough to hide in and you have a minivan which bless the Lord has enough standing room to stoop and pull your pants down, and manage to squat close enough to that potty and realize how very sweet the sound of pee going into a plastic baggie really is... you'll be so, so glad you have kids and an excuse to have that little travel potty in your car! 

Product link: http://www.amazon.com/Kalencom-POTETTE-Go-Potty-Red/dp/B00069BV8A

Baby's Schedule

I'm excited -- this is my first reader-requested blog! After reading my July 29 entry, "What Would You Do," one reader asked if I could share ideas for a baby's schedule. 

I am by nature a person who loves routines; getting up at the same time, eating the same breakfast, doing things in a particular order... very methodical. So when I became a mom, I tried to get my daughter Camila on a schedule as soon as possible.

The key to getting a child on a schedule is consistency. If I'm not willing to do the same things every day, get my child to bed at the same time for naps and bedtime every day, she won't be able to follow a schedule. A schedule is sacrifice but the payout is big.

Here is what our day looked like before Camila turned one-year-old...

7:00 a.m. Baby woke up (I was awake earlier. Showered and ready to go by the time Camila woke up)

                

7:15 a.m. Feed Camila

7:30 a.m. Floor exercises - I stretched her legs, put her on her belly, moved her little arms around.  (Bragging right -- by three months my little Tarzan baby girl could come to a standing position by pulling herself up by my two index fingers!) 

8:00 a.m. Dance time! 

8:20 a.m. Reading time! Even as a little baby Camila loved to listen to me read and would fix her eyes on brightly colored books. It's never too early to start reading to children! 

8:45 a.m. Change baby, ready room for nap. 

9:00 a.m. Bottle and nap time. 

11:00 a.m. Wake up from nap, change and feed baby.

11:15 a.m. Playing on the floor in her little floor gym. 

12:00 p.m. Read a book or two while pointing to pictures and asking her questions about the book. (I loved listening to her babbling responses!)  

12:30 p.m. Time for a walk around the neighborhood! 

1:00 p.m. Change baby, listen to music and play on the floor with her. 

1:15 p.m.  Nap time again! 

3:15 p.m. Wake from nap, change baby, give her a bottle. 

3:45 p.m. Park time or play date

4:30 p.m. Head home

4:45 p.m. Change baby, give her a bottle.

5:00 p.m. Nap time again! 

6:30 p.m. Wake up, change, give her a bottle. 

7:00 p.m. Tummy time. 

7:15 p.m. Ready the bath, bathe her and let her play in the water a little.

7:45 p.m. Dress, read a book.

8:15 p.m. Ready the room and baby for bedtime. Give her a bottle and sing to her. 

8:30 p.m. Bedtime. 

10:30 p.m. Bottle. (She drank a bottle every two hours through the night). 

I was very blessed to have a baby who took three naps a day for a long time, because I was pregnant with my son and so, so tired all the time! But Camila only drank two ounces of milk at a time and fed every two hours around the clock until she was 7 months old! Her pediatrician told me I couldn't stop feeding her at night because she was a thin (though healthy) baby, but when she was seven months old (and I was five months pregnant) I couldn't take it anymore. We let her cry it out through the night for two nights and she started sleeping 12 to 13 hours straight. Ahhhh. She also started eating more during the day and was eating solids by that point, so her she didn't lose weight or anything. 

As she got older, we went out a lot more, usually had a park play date in the morning and stayed home in the afternoons, reading, dancing, and singing. But our schedule was pretty much the same until her brother was born when she was 11 months old. After she turned one, I started implementing art projects into our day; finger paints, regular (washable!) paint, Play-Doh, and she started taking swimming lessons (my husband and I agree it's a crucial skill for all ages). I also cut out pictures from magazines and let her make collages or just rip them (babies love to rip paper!). 

Some of my family and friends thought (or think) I was crazy and inflexible because her schedule was and is my religion, but that schedule keeps me happy and sane. I know when she is doing what, and most importantly, I know when she was going to sleep at night and I get to have a little bit of downtime with my husband or by myself. That makes me a happy mommy and a happy mommy makes happy babies.

How to Talk & Listen

How to Talk & Listen

I love being a mom and treat my job like a corporate position. As such, I love taking courses and attending talks as ongoing education if you will.

This book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, has been mentioned by at least three different speakers covering different topics regarding the raising of children. Hearing about it so much, and reading the title a number of times in articles about parenting, I couldn't resist buying it.

The title is long, but really, it's what I, as a mom of two preschoolers, wants to do; talk in a way that they will listen and listen in a way so they'll talk to me now and in their teen years, when kids tend to basically go mute and only utter monosyllabic responses.

I'm currently on chapter three and so far, I want to embody this book! I want my kids to read it one day when they're adults and to ask themselves "Did my mom write this book?"

The authors suggest the reader treat the book like a workbook, filling in blanks and answering questions. I haven't done this -- I'm lucky to have time to read! But I love the way it's written and you'd think I'd be tired of reading illustrated books, but I really, really like the cartoons that help me visualize and imagine how a scenario would normally go and how they would ideally go. I also enjoy reading about other parents' challenges, trials and successes.

I love reading mysteries, who-done-it's, and just plain humor, but once I start reading this book at night it's difficult for me put it down! Especially after implementing some of the ideas presented by Faber and Mazlish. I've got to say that every single technique has worked! So I'll keep on reading and becoming a better listener and talker.

Dinner in 10 Minutes Flat!

I've got to share this product with you! Holy smokes it's delicious! I've been to my share of Mexican restaurants and taquerias, but these carnitas are absolutely better than any other carnitas I've tasted before!

I have had homemade carnitas at a Mexican friend's house and Del Real has really done a great job of making theirs taste authentic.

These carnitas are juicy, tender and have just the right amount of seasoning and flavor!

Aside from the delicious taste, my favorite thing about this for dinner is that all I have to do is microwave the fully cooked pork for 8 minutes! (Once hot, let stand for 2 minutes)

My favorite way eat this? With arepas, the traditional Venezuelan "tortilla" or "bread."

If you want make arepas you can! Just get some Harina P.A.N., (I prefer the white over the yellow) and follow the instructions on the bag. (I add a little oil to make the dough a little softer).

I know you'll love this meal! Mmm! Enjoy!


Product links:
http://www.delrealfoods.com/product_pages/carnitas.htm (Costco carries Del Real Foods products).

http://www.mylatinfood.com/uno.php?k=4&i=HAR001&p=1&c=10 (I'm generally able to find Harina P.A.N. at Mexican markets).

How Much Do They Really Need to Eat?

Like most moms of toddlers, I struggled to get my children to eat at one point. But as I shared in my July 21 entry, once I changed my approach to getting them to eat (and basically stopped trying to get them to eat), they started eating. Faking lack of interest in whether or not they ate was more than a little difficult at first, but I found a food guide that helped put me at ease.

What I learned really surprised me. Take a look at what is recommended for a child to eat every day: 

Children 1-3 years old need...

6-10 of these choices: 

1/2 slice bread/tortilla/roll

1/2 pancake/waffle

1/4 bagel

1/2 cup cereal

1/4 cup cooked cereal

1/4 cup noodles/rice

3 small crackers

They also need: 

1-1.5 cups cooked or raw veggies

1-1.5 cups fresh/canned/frozen fruit

(Limit 100% fruit juice to 4 ounces a day)  

And 4 of these choices: 

1/2 cup milk/yogurt (whole milk up to age 2)

1 cup cottage cheese

3/4 ounces of cheese

1/2 cup pudding/custard

3/4 cup frozen yogurt

3/4 cup ice cream 

As well as 2-4 of these choices:

1 ounce meat/chicken/turkey/fish

1 egg

1/4 cup beans/peas/lentils

1 tablespoon peanut butter

1/4 cup tofu

One ounce is 2 tablespoons! When I read this I literally ran to the kitchen and measured out two tablespoons of chicken and realized it's a tiny amount of food -- faking disintrest had just gotten much easier for me! 

Children 4-5 years old need...

4-5 of these choices: 

1 slice of bread/tortilla/roll

1 pancake/waffle

1/2 bagel

1 cup of cereal

1/4 cup of noodles/rice

6 small crackers

They also need:

1.5-2 cups of cooked or raw vegetables

1-1.5 cups of fresh/canned/frozen fruit 

(limit 100% fruit juice to 6 ounces per day)

As well as 3-4 of these choices:

3/4 cup milk/yogurt

1 cup cottage cheese

1 ounce of cheese

3/4 cup of pudding/custard

1 cup frozen yogurt

1 cup ice cream

And 3-5 of these choices:

1 ounce meat/chicken/turkey/fish

1 egg

1/4 cup beans/peas/lentils

1 tablespoon peanut butter

1/4 cup tofu

1/2 ounce nuts/seeds

I love that the necessary foods are listed as "choices" because letting them choose is what really empowers children and leads them to eat. Recently my son, practically a vegetarian by choice, has stopped eating many of the veggies he normally eats. When I start panicking and thinking "he's not eating enough vegetables!", I remind myself that he doesn't actually need to eat all of these choices every single day. It's my job to offer him and his sister all of these foods, but I have to look at the big picture; did they eat enough vegetables, fruits or whatever this week, not on Monday or Wednesday. My goal is to help them become life-long healthy eaters and I'm glad I found these guidelines because as much as I want them to eat well, I don't want them to overeat.  

6 small crackers, 1 cup of fruit, 1 pancake -- these are not large amounts of food! What matters most I think is to offer food throughout the day at specific mealtimes (no grazing or nonstop snacking!) Children in these age groups should eat three meals and two to three snacks a day.

I have found that actually writing down what my kids eat really helps me see how balanced or unbalanced their diet is and to course correct. 

So, how much do they really need to eat? Not that much. 

*I got these guidelines from www.mypyramid.gov last year but when I visited the web site to post a link here, I found that it's no longer available. I imagine they're revamping everything to match the new "My Plate" campaign. 

*Please e-mail me at themommystreetjournal@gmail.com to let me know if you'd like the printable version of the food guide which also includes recommendations for women.